Discussion thread: how are you dressing for the male gaze?
Are you dressing at any point for the male gaze? Did that feel available to you? If not, how did you move away from it? If you’re not heterosexual, was there still any part of you that felt you needed to conform in some way?
As I mentioned in Tuesday’s post, I dressed for the male gaze for at least 15-20 years. Getting married changed that for me. I didn’t feel the need to compete or draw anyone in with my body. Ugh, ugh, ugh, this feels so gross to say!
My husband respects my style choices, but if he’s being honest, is not into my “shapeless sack” (his words) wardrobe. I disregard his opinion 99% of the time and he has never said a negative word or pressured me to dress any other way. However, on date nights, I do try to wear something that caters a bit to his taste, i.e. shows the shape of my body.
Where are you with this?
It never occurred to me that it wasn’t my job to look appealing to men. Even typing that now, makes me want to vomit. A therapist said to me at 39 that the way I dress doesn’t need to be pleasing to a man and it exploded my brain. I’d been living my whole life trying to look pleasing to men!!! That was 3 years ago and let me tell you, I am much happier and comfortable in my clothing now.
I love that this was your next post because it's something I've been mulling over since your last. Coming out of my intuitive eating journey a couple sizes larger, I found myself in a crisis of confidence. I felt great about myself, my strength, my values, but unsure of my reception in the larger world. I knew that in embracing my healthy size, I was giving up a bit of conventional attractiveness. I know intellectually that anyone who I can truly have a great relationship with will love me just as I am, but there is (was?) still some lingering fear after a lifetime of conditioning. Recently, I traveled longterm in two areas of the world where men apparently like their women a bit larger. That really affirmed to me that our ideas of "good bodies" are extremely cultural and subjective. And so for that time, I enjoyed the attention and took it as an opportunity to get over my old hangups around strapless dresses and crop tops, etc. It felt healing for me in many ways, but I have also been feeling recently, "over it." I wish it didn't take knowing that my body can be pleasing to get to a point where I don't care whether I am pleasing. And so the shift for me might be continuing to wear the clothing I like but not caring what the reaction is.