style ama: how much effort do I want to put into my appearance?

and am I doing it for myself or others?

When I started reading the comments on the prompt for this AMA (ask me anything), I got a little teary eyed. One person posted a question that no less than ten others immediately jumped in to say that it was something they struggled with too (I’ve included a few throughout this post) and then they all offered their support and gentle advice for the original question asker. Honestly, some of their advice was so good that I considered just making the AMA a space for the group to ask questions and get each other’s advice instead of mine! 

And also, when is someone going to ask an easy question?! 😫🤪

Here’s the question everyone related to:

I feel like I know my personal style pretty well. Through the influence of your work and just becoming more accepting of the current state of my body (instead of considering my body to be an infinite project of improvement), I cleaned out my closet, edited my wardrobe, and bought some new pieces that fit well and express my style. My issue is that some days (many days?) I feel some combination of mild depression, chronic anxiety and general malaise. Doing my hair seems too laborious so I just wear it up in a bun. I want to wear sweatpants and a t-shirt so I feel comfy but then I feel self-conscious that I’m wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt. These clothes feel like one expression of me (the home watching TV with my husband me) but they also feel sort of like hiding or giving up or apologizing in some way when I wear them in public. I also have this thing where if my hair looks good or I’m dressed more nicely and I don’t do anything “fun” I feel like it was a waste of me looking “good”- like I can only attend to my appearance so many days in a week. Some of it is my lifestyle- stay at home mom to a 4 year old, my husband doesn’t really care what I look like, I’m not a person who posts outfits or selfies online, etc. I feel like I have to fight “hibernation mode” dressing. Now granted I manage to do my eyebrows and put on mascara and concealer almost every day, but wearing my new linen top just to go to the playground or the grocery store feels like a stretch too far. What do I make of this? Is it even actually a problem?

First of all, I feel such empathy and compassion for this question asker. I have spent years in this mental state.

There are really three beliefs embedded in this question: 

1. she feels that wearing a comfy outfit in public is not ok and 

2. if she does put effort into her appearance, others must see it, otherwise it’s a waste of effort and 

3. putting too much effort into her appearance will cause others to judge her. 

First of all, not all of these things can be true at once. You can’t expect yourself to not wear comfy outfits in public but then also feel like wearing a nice top to the grocery store is wrong. This makes me so angry, because it’s such a perfect example of how the pressures put on women in this society are setting us up to fail. You need to wear makeup, but god forbid, don’t let it look like you’re wearing makeup. You should be dressed impeccably, but you can’t appear to have made any effort. Everything you do should appear effortless. You need to have bigger boobs, but not that big. You need to be skinny, but not that skinny. You need to be ambitious, but not too ambitious, or you must be neglecting your family. You need to devote all of your spare time to parenting, but also you’re not doing enough self care. It would be better for your family if you were a better homemaker, but also keep up on that ambition and parenting and self care. We just. can’t. win. 

Photo by Abiodun Ageh on Unsplash

The first question I’d ask in response to hearing these beliefs is “where does that come from?” In this case, where does the feeling that you can’t look too good on an everyday basis (and conversely, that you can’t go out in public unless you *do* look good) come from? 

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But yeah, my question lately has been how hard to I strive to feel acceptable? Stylish clothes, hair, makeup, nails, body size, at what point does one say enough is enough? Because the sky is the limit as far as beauty labor is concerned. -Jane

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Were you taught not to take up space, not to attract men’s attention, to hide yourself? Were you taught that you should always look “presentable” or else you’d embarrass yourself? Was the requirement to look a certain way imposed on you because of how it might reflect on others (i.e. your family or your mother or your father would take it as a reflection of the outward image the want to project)? What exactly do you think those people judging you are thinking? What are the insecurities there if you were to tease them out? 

Photo by kevin laminto on Unsplash

All of these beliefs prioritize an external view of the questioner’s appearance, what others see, over how she feels and her mental health.¹

After you’ve been honest with yourself and processed a few of these external expectations, then you can figure out a plan that feels right to you. 

I see a few ways to experiment:

• Can you upgrade your hibernation clothes? Instead of sweatpants and a tee, can you introduce one pair of on trend sweatpants or a jogger, making sure that these items are as comfortable as your current options. If they’re not, they won’t get worn and you’ll feel guilty about that. 

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How hard do I want to strive to be acceptable and acceptable to whom? What does that look like? How do I/we want to show up and how much energy (and money) do we want to spend? -Anita

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• Can you look ahead at your week and pick out a few times that you would like to put in the effort?² Maybe it’s just twice, once for library storytime and once for a day spent at home. There’s no need to force any more than that, and it is ok if that’s all you can do. 

• Can you allow yourself to have seasons of your life where you care more about making the effort and others where you don’t have the capacity?

• What happens when you put a little more effort into your Target run outfit? Do people stop and stare because you’re so overdressed? Likely not. If they think anything at all, they’d probably think oh that girl looks so cute, I feel bad that I’m not wearing a cute outfit to Target. Which is a them problem and not a you problem. 

Photo by AllGo - An App For Plus Size People on Unsplash

• Do they stop and stare when you’re wearing a comfy outfit and judge you for being such a lazy bum? Listen, in this day and age, we are all so beaten down that everyone’s just doing the best they can. 

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To the friends I told about working with Dacy, I joked that I had to pay a stylist to come to the conclusion that my style is “joggers and a hoodie”. In fact, that’s not a joke when you think about it. The world is so fucked up that it had us convinced that woman + tee + sweatpants = slob who has let herself go. Meanwhile there are infinite erotica about how sexy a man who wears grey sweatpants is 🤦🏻. And I had to pay a (very talented person) to tell me that it was okay to dress comfortably and prioritize comfort over style, and that it was okay that I prefered a black hoodie over a “classic must have white shirt” -JA

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• Do you actually feel any better if you made the effort? If not, maybe you just have to say fuck that, it’s more effort than I have capacity for these days, and people are just going to have to avert their eyes when I wear my comfy clothes because I’m prioritizing my comfort and mental health over their absolutely meaningless opinions. 

• Same thing with wearing the nice outfit³ when no one sees you. Does it make you feel any better? If it does, then the fact that no one else saw it is meaningless. It’s for you and for you only and you deserve to do things that are just for you (do you give yourself permission to do things for yourself only? Or does everything have to be productive or somehow helping someone else?). By the way, one of Marie Kondo’s ideas that I subscribe to is that clothes want to be worn. They’re not fulfilling the purpose they were created for if you don’t, so wear all that “special” stuff you’re saving for some unnamed future occasion!

Clearly, this question is one we’re all juggling all the time and one whose answers will shift multiple times throughout our lives. As always, I don’t necessarily have the answers, but hopefully my questions can bring some clarity.

How are you balancing your needs with the level of effort you have available to you?

P.S. Subscribers at the unflattering membership level, I’ll be answering your questions on that original thread asap!

1. As always: disclaimer that some people don’t have the freedom to release what others think of them - it may be a survival skill required by their identity or marginalization

2. By the way, she DOES put effort into her appearance: “I manage to do my eyebrows and put on mascara and concealer almost every day”. Personally, I’m lucky if this happens twice a week!

3. This brings up the question of how subjective looking “good” is. I’ve always seen this in my work with different clients. One person’s casual summer run around dress is another’s formal outfit for attending a wedding.