It’s taken me years and years to work through the shame and guilt of not being productive enough, not working hard enough, and not comparing my capacity to others.
Nov 7, 2023·edited Nov 7, 2023Liked by Dacy Gillespie
Thank you. I applaud you acknowledging your needs and recognizing your capacity. I wasn't as successful during my career. My profession was in public policy. I came to Washington, DC out of undergraduate school as an activist bent on changing the world. In my little corner I accomplished some of that - helping the governor of California learn what he needed to divest from South Africa during apartheid, testifying before Congress on AIDS in communities of color which resulted in millions of dollars funneled to community based organizations serving disenfranchised populations, helping craft American with Disabilities Act language as it relates to women, and so on. All of it came at a high price. As a result of the stresses of my career I had five major depressive episodes landing me in mental institutions. Finally my psychiatrist said, "No More. Become a dog walker."
It took decades to bounce back from all of that only to find myself living with a terminal illness. Now I telework as a secretary 35 hours a week, a benefactor of ADA. There is a ton of downtime when I can take walks, enjoy lattes outside on sunny days, nap, read, listen to jazz for hours, visit museums (they're free in Washington and the visiting exhibits are amazing), practice cello, and most of all write. During the time that I was supposed to be dog walking, I got an MFA in writing and literature. I'm enjoying a rich social life - just enough in-real-life people time - and I'm not so burned out that I can't enjoy a night at the Kennedy Center now and then. My days are civilized. I'm able to replenish each evening with restful nights sleep, starting each morning fresh.
And not to leave you wondering about the illness, I've been participating in a clinical trial, which has proved successful at stopping disease progression. While it won't reverse the effects of my illness, I now look forward to a long life (barring being hit by a bus).
And twins are coming to my family in January. I'll be babysitter to baby boys. I'm GG. Grand-godmother.
Anita, just wanted to say wow -- thank you for your amazing work! Those are world-changing accomplishments. I just wish it hadn’t come at the cost of your mental and physical health. Wishing you years of recovery, rest, restoration, and nourishing time with your grand-godbabies.
It sounds like you were very successful and did amazing work and I also fully get the need to have a job with a capacity like dog walking! Your life sounds dreamy right now, I’m so happy you have that.
Nov 7, 2023·edited Nov 7, 2023Liked by Dacy Gillespie
Well, I'm poor so there's that. But somehow I manage to sneak in a trip abroad every few years and there's always spare change for a once monthly high-end restaurant meal and one new item of clothing! Currently I'm coveting the COS yellow funnel-neck mohair tunic. Trying to be intentional in how I approach shopping per your insistence, but lord it's difficult! Your expectations are extremely high.
Thanks for writing this. I'm a college professor who is currently very, VERY far behind on writing my first book and I can't sleep for the guilt over it periodically (including last night lol). I was a "gifted child" who derived a lot of self-worth from affirmation from adults, and now that I'm allegedly an adult, I'm having a hard time moderating expectations for myself. I think what I'm learning is that I cannot write academically during the teaching calendar, but I also need the time to recharge during school breaks. I'm at an impasse! Apologies for unloading in your comments section, but your desire to give yourself grace and permission to rest, and prioritizing that necessity (not luxury) into your daily calendar was very inspiring and comforting. So thank you!
No apologies required! All of this took years and years to first figure out and then put into practice. And it’s a hard practice to make realistic expectations of what you can expect from yourself. I’m glad you’re doing it.
LOVE reading this, and it gives me so much to think about. I grew up with workaholic parents and spent years in a work-till-10pm industry (journalism and specifically women's magazines) and it is SUCH A JOY that my current work doesn't demand that of me, but I'm also still working to divest from the guilt and the comparison shit. I love how you give yourself transition time between work and parenting -- that's something I haven't quite finagled yet and this motivates me to revisit it.
I really appreciated this piece today - a day when I had some time blocked out for a high-energy task and have started the day with my energy not a match.
It’s always so great to hear from others who are working to their own schedule and not pushing themselves into particular ways of working. It’s becoming more common but it also feels lonely, sometimes.
Like you I try to get my brain-needing work done in the morning, and am usually done by 2 or 3pm. I have recently started blocking out more time for myself, rather than just loosely knowing when my free time was. Having Thursday morning blocked off in my calendar means I’m not doing the old ‘oh I’ll just pop this one thing in there, it won’t take long’.
And bulk writing/creating has been really helpful for me, though I’m still in the early stages of doing that for Substack. Right now it’s the first Monday of the month - but we’ll see what happens if that meets a day where my Brain Just Can’t.
Thanks so much for this piece, I really appreciated it. ❤️
It definitely does feel lonely and it was frustrating every time I tried someone else's method and it didn't work. We have to figure it out for each of us.
We sound very similar in our younger years (I was focused on a degree in engineering rather than performing arts ... though I did actually continue playing French horn throughout college to help balance the engineering). I, too, have begun to recognize the need for rest and to give myself space and grace when I can't do all the things all the time. My job seems to have similarities to you in that there are intense times of interacting with people (I'm a college professor) and I also tend to be a go-to person for support during challenging times for students and colleagues, so I have learned that on days when I have lots of meetings or a long day of teaching or I know a meeting is going to be emotionally draining (hiring committees, e.g.) I try to recognize that I will not be effective or efficient at working after those things are done and that I'm better off just calling it a day and reading a book or listening to a podcast so that I can function as a parent and partner until bedtime (much like your strategy to have downtime between work and parenting).
Are….are we the same person??? I played French horn throughout undergrad (nearly pursued professionally) and a tad into dental school. I’ve now taught dental school for 10 years after being in private practice for 10 and I often find myself in the same situations as you have. I gasped when I saw your post because I could have written it myself (just not as well as you did).
Oh also... when I saw the preview of your comment come up in my email I literally thought it was a notification about someone liking my comment because I swear I started my comment to Dacy with "Are we the same person??"
I love this! I sooo identify. I also was the kid in high school and college doing a loooong list of extracurriculars, activities, job, etc. I’m a therapist now and that work can be so draining that I’ve had to set pretty firm boundaries for myself. I’m very fortunate to work at a center where I have a lot of autonomy in scheduling. I really appreciate you sharing your experiences with this because as much as I’ve worked to accept it in myself, it’s so helpful and validating to hear that other people experience high sensitivity/introversion etc as well.
Thank you for sharing all of this with us. The dominant messages out there about productivity can be so, well, counterproductive! I'm currently wrestling with how to organize my days now that I have a lot more flexibility with my time. I'm trying to give myself some grace and accept there will be some trial and error. I appreciated your point about not always having the right energy for the designated task you've planned on.
I'm printing this out and keeping it in my inspiration journal. It's something I'm working on too. I'm also sh*t at work in the afternoons -- I'm so drained and have to get up early to get my kid ready for school/daycare, so I so appreciate that you admit it's a problem for you too.
It seems pretty inhuman to be able to work/be active full force for 10-12 hours, which is what it is when you have kids up early! Oh wait, and then right after that 10 hours, it's time to parent again. We need breaks!
Thanks for sharing your reality, Dacy. There’s definitely too many happy faces cover exhaustion, overwhelm and burnout. I had my thyroid removed five years ago after being sick for a couple of years. My energy levels are wildly different and can fluctuate. It’s taken time to get used to middling (porbaby not the best term). I’m rarely the hardest worker and often the least hard working person in different arenas. 🤷🏻♀️ It’s surprising what an identity shift needs to happen to be ok with changing. I hope you keep sharing about this because it’s definitely impactful to hear a narrative counter to productive as virtuous.
Love this post, Dacy. I think managing our capacity and having boundaries around our time and energy it is one of the kindest things we can do for ourselves AND for others. If everyone was better at doing this, respecting others needs, and just overall doing way less—the world would be a better place. I don’t think we can operate at the speed we have been forever. I know I can’t. As always, I love what you share and how you remind me to slow down and really listen to myself and what I need. Whether that’s minimalism or boundaries with my schedule. :)
I loved reading this Dacy, it’s so good to hear how you’re navigating this. As you know I recognize a lot of what you write here, especially the fluctuating energy day-to-day.
Nov 10, 2023·edited Nov 10, 2023Liked by Dacy Gillespie
After decades of sleepwalking through life in a constant state of burnout I finally got a very late in life (47 years old) diagnosis that I was very, very, very neurodivergent (like a lot of women, this came through my kiddo’s own journey to a diagnosis that they are very very very neurodivergent as well haha). Everything suddenly made sense, starting with why I had to lock myself in the bathroom to nap during the day at my first corporate job in an ad agency and why I got fired because I refused to adhere to the cult, very prevalent in the ad agency culture, of « man we stayed so late to finalise the copy and visuals, high five! »… following my diagnosis and as I learn more and more about my neurodivergence, I have now become feral about protecting my energy / peace. I adhere to the Jamie Lee Curtis school of thought: is it after 7pm? Then no, nope, I will not attend. Does it require me to wear anything else than my beloved uniform (thank you Dacy!) of stretchy black pyjama adjacent clothes? Nope. Will it be a stuffy dinner where I will need to mask my true self and consequently need several days to recover? Not a chance in hell I’m going. i’m making exceptions (going to see Drag Race France and The Rocky Horror Picture Show soon with people I will be able to be my true self with). And also being currently brainstorming how to pivot my professional life after years in copy writing, I am making a priority the fact of working from home + creating a schedule around my special needs (which I am aware involves a lot of privileges that I am so grateful for). Edited to add: The Nap Ministry was also instrumental in my reflexion around rest / burnout.
I love all your boundaries, JA! And yes, I make exceptions sometimes, like this week when a friend from college who lives in Europe is in town and I actually went to a dinner starting at 8:30pm 😳
Hey, fellow late-diagnosed human! I also followed the “I’m just a HSP/introvert”—> kid is diagnosed —> “ohh, it’s me” pathway. I’m about to take a 6-week pause on big freelance projects (not, alas, a complete break from work, but the bills need paying and one of my recurring clients is pretty chill) because I’m 7 months postpartum and rapidly approaching burnout. I don’t want a repeat of my first year postpartum with kid #1 (undiagnosed, in burnout, so confused about what was happening and why I couldn’t just force myself to get over it.)
It’s been freeing to recognize that my brain is autistic and *that’s* why it is the way the it is!… but also humbling to confront my own limitations and remind myself not to compare my capacity with other people’s. I’m working to be more honest with myself about what I need and what I can handle.
"working to be more honest with myself" that's been the hard part for me. And you're only 7 months postpartum, we shouldn't be asked to do anything other than keep a baby alive for at least a year!
Nov 10, 2023·edited Nov 10, 2023Liked by Dacy Gillespie
Oh yes the pipeline from I’m an Hsp / introvert to burnout after my kid was born to uh oh avalanche of diagnosis is very real! I remember being in full burnout a year after my kiddo was born and thinking hmmm it’s a little late for postpartum… turns out it was very hard taking care of someone else when taking care of myself is already a challenge… and even harder when said kiddo turned out to be as challenging as myself (love him to death but it can be a lot). I relate to a lot of what you write, especially having to remind myself daily that I’m just not wired like other people and that yes a trip in a too full subway car with too many people noises smells etc can absolutely send me (and my kiddo haha) into shut down for days on end… sending a virtual hug and kuddos on your taking a break!
This is awesome, Dacy, and I'm right there with you. I recently backed out of an interview for a big, fancy job because I realized that I didn't actually want the job - I just felt like I had to achieve more, subconsciously I think. But that totally goes against my values. I do not agree with grind culture, and to the degree possible, I refuse to go along with it at work. More than just being that kind of role model for my kids, I want to try to set that tone for those around me.
For my strategies, I TRY to start from a place of "no." -- so like if school needs volunteers, it's an automatic no, unless it's something I'm really into (or they're begging). And thankfully I'm at an age where I have nothing to prove at work anymore so I don't have to take initiative in the hopes of "getting ahead." I also try to do less at home - trying to adopt the "good enough" motto and just lower the bar, in general. I have to remind myself, but it's totally worth it!
There were long stretches of time where I just had to pause any work I was doing because I was spending all my available energy on parenting “
Needed this today, I’m very behind and guilty about not feeling guilty if that makes sense. Then I remember I’ve kept 2 people healthy and mostly happy ... completely solo during a big family transition.
Thank you. I applaud you acknowledging your needs and recognizing your capacity. I wasn't as successful during my career. My profession was in public policy. I came to Washington, DC out of undergraduate school as an activist bent on changing the world. In my little corner I accomplished some of that - helping the governor of California learn what he needed to divest from South Africa during apartheid, testifying before Congress on AIDS in communities of color which resulted in millions of dollars funneled to community based organizations serving disenfranchised populations, helping craft American with Disabilities Act language as it relates to women, and so on. All of it came at a high price. As a result of the stresses of my career I had five major depressive episodes landing me in mental institutions. Finally my psychiatrist said, "No More. Become a dog walker."
It took decades to bounce back from all of that only to find myself living with a terminal illness. Now I telework as a secretary 35 hours a week, a benefactor of ADA. There is a ton of downtime when I can take walks, enjoy lattes outside on sunny days, nap, read, listen to jazz for hours, visit museums (they're free in Washington and the visiting exhibits are amazing), practice cello, and most of all write. During the time that I was supposed to be dog walking, I got an MFA in writing and literature. I'm enjoying a rich social life - just enough in-real-life people time - and I'm not so burned out that I can't enjoy a night at the Kennedy Center now and then. My days are civilized. I'm able to replenish each evening with restful nights sleep, starting each morning fresh.
And not to leave you wondering about the illness, I've been participating in a clinical trial, which has proved successful at stopping disease progression. While it won't reverse the effects of my illness, I now look forward to a long life (barring being hit by a bus).
And twins are coming to my family in January. I'll be babysitter to baby boys. I'm GG. Grand-godmother.
Anita, just wanted to say wow -- thank you for your amazing work! Those are world-changing accomplishments. I just wish it hadn’t come at the cost of your mental and physical health. Wishing you years of recovery, rest, restoration, and nourishing time with your grand-godbabies.
It sounds like you were very successful and did amazing work and I also fully get the need to have a job with a capacity like dog walking! Your life sounds dreamy right now, I’m so happy you have that.
Well, I'm poor so there's that. But somehow I manage to sneak in a trip abroad every few years and there's always spare change for a once monthly high-end restaurant meal and one new item of clothing! Currently I'm coveting the COS yellow funnel-neck mohair tunic. Trying to be intentional in how I approach shopping per your insistence, but lord it's difficult! Your expectations are extremely high.
Thanks for writing this. I'm a college professor who is currently very, VERY far behind on writing my first book and I can't sleep for the guilt over it periodically (including last night lol). I was a "gifted child" who derived a lot of self-worth from affirmation from adults, and now that I'm allegedly an adult, I'm having a hard time moderating expectations for myself. I think what I'm learning is that I cannot write academically during the teaching calendar, but I also need the time to recharge during school breaks. I'm at an impasse! Apologies for unloading in your comments section, but your desire to give yourself grace and permission to rest, and prioritizing that necessity (not luxury) into your daily calendar was very inspiring and comforting. So thank you!
No apologies required! All of this took years and years to first figure out and then put into practice. And it’s a hard practice to make realistic expectations of what you can expect from yourself. I’m glad you’re doing it.
"allegedly an adult." Yep, right htere with you!!
LOVE reading this, and it gives me so much to think about. I grew up with workaholic parents and spent years in a work-till-10pm industry (journalism and specifically women's magazines) and it is SUCH A JOY that my current work doesn't demand that of me, but I'm also still working to divest from the guilt and the comparison shit. I love how you give yourself transition time between work and parenting -- that's something I haven't quite finagled yet and this motivates me to revisit it.
As you know, I always want you to be able to rest more ❤️❤️❤️
I appreciate that about you!!!
I really appreciated this piece today - a day when I had some time blocked out for a high-energy task and have started the day with my energy not a match.
It’s always so great to hear from others who are working to their own schedule and not pushing themselves into particular ways of working. It’s becoming more common but it also feels lonely, sometimes.
Like you I try to get my brain-needing work done in the morning, and am usually done by 2 or 3pm. I have recently started blocking out more time for myself, rather than just loosely knowing when my free time was. Having Thursday morning blocked off in my calendar means I’m not doing the old ‘oh I’ll just pop this one thing in there, it won’t take long’.
And bulk writing/creating has been really helpful for me, though I’m still in the early stages of doing that for Substack. Right now it’s the first Monday of the month - but we’ll see what happens if that meets a day where my Brain Just Can’t.
Thanks so much for this piece, I really appreciated it. ❤️
It definitely does feel lonely and it was frustrating every time I tried someone else's method and it didn't work. We have to figure it out for each of us.
We sound very similar in our younger years (I was focused on a degree in engineering rather than performing arts ... though I did actually continue playing French horn throughout college to help balance the engineering). I, too, have begun to recognize the need for rest and to give myself space and grace when I can't do all the things all the time. My job seems to have similarities to you in that there are intense times of interacting with people (I'm a college professor) and I also tend to be a go-to person for support during challenging times for students and colleagues, so I have learned that on days when I have lots of meetings or a long day of teaching or I know a meeting is going to be emotionally draining (hiring committees, e.g.) I try to recognize that I will not be effective or efficient at working after those things are done and that I'm better off just calling it a day and reading a book or listening to a podcast so that I can function as a parent and partner until bedtime (much like your strategy to have downtime between work and parenting).
Are….are we the same person??? I played French horn throughout undergrad (nearly pursued professionally) and a tad into dental school. I’ve now taught dental school for 10 years after being in private practice for 10 and I often find myself in the same situations as you have. I gasped when I saw your post because I could have written it myself (just not as well as you did).
More and more I'm realizing that @Dacy's people are my people.
AWWWWW! ❤️
Oh also... when I saw the preview of your comment come up in my email I literally thought it was a notification about someone liking my comment because I swear I started my comment to Dacy with "Are we the same person??"
lol
Yes! I'm so glad you've started to recognize those needs and plan ahead for them as well. It takes a while to get used to.
I love this! I sooo identify. I also was the kid in high school and college doing a loooong list of extracurriculars, activities, job, etc. I’m a therapist now and that work can be so draining that I’ve had to set pretty firm boundaries for myself. I’m very fortunate to work at a center where I have a lot of autonomy in scheduling. I really appreciate you sharing your experiences with this because as much as I’ve worked to accept it in myself, it’s so helpful and validating to hear that other people experience high sensitivity/introversion etc as well.
I honestly don’t know how therapists do it. I can do two hours, I can’t imagine a day full.
Thank you for sharing all of this with us. The dominant messages out there about productivity can be so, well, counterproductive! I'm currently wrestling with how to organize my days now that I have a lot more flexibility with my time. I'm trying to give myself some grace and accept there will be some trial and error. I appreciated your point about not always having the right energy for the designated task you've planned on.
And those messages are so hard to resist! It took me quite a long time to figure all this out.
I'm printing this out and keeping it in my inspiration journal. It's something I'm working on too. I'm also sh*t at work in the afternoons -- I'm so drained and have to get up early to get my kid ready for school/daycare, so I so appreciate that you admit it's a problem for you too.
It seems pretty inhuman to be able to work/be active full force for 10-12 hours, which is what it is when you have kids up early! Oh wait, and then right after that 10 hours, it's time to parent again. We need breaks!
Thanks for sharing your reality, Dacy. There’s definitely too many happy faces cover exhaustion, overwhelm and burnout. I had my thyroid removed five years ago after being sick for a couple of years. My energy levels are wildly different and can fluctuate. It’s taken time to get used to middling (porbaby not the best term). I’m rarely the hardest worker and often the least hard working person in different arenas. 🤷🏻♀️ It’s surprising what an identity shift needs to happen to be ok with changing. I hope you keep sharing about this because it’s definitely impactful to hear a narrative counter to productive as virtuous.
Yes, I also aspire to be just mediocre. And the identity shift is real.
Love this post, Dacy. I think managing our capacity and having boundaries around our time and energy it is one of the kindest things we can do for ourselves AND for others. If everyone was better at doing this, respecting others needs, and just overall doing way less—the world would be a better place. I don’t think we can operate at the speed we have been forever. I know I can’t. As always, I love what you share and how you remind me to slow down and really listen to myself and what I need. Whether that’s minimalism or boundaries with my schedule. :)
Also, save your energy! I never expect a reply! I don’t need one. :)
😘😘😘
I loved reading this Dacy, it’s so good to hear how you’re navigating this. As you know I recognize a lot of what you write here, especially the fluctuating energy day-to-day.
I’m glad there are people like you to help!
You're welcome Dacy, it's my pleasure :)
After decades of sleepwalking through life in a constant state of burnout I finally got a very late in life (47 years old) diagnosis that I was very, very, very neurodivergent (like a lot of women, this came through my kiddo’s own journey to a diagnosis that they are very very very neurodivergent as well haha). Everything suddenly made sense, starting with why I had to lock myself in the bathroom to nap during the day at my first corporate job in an ad agency and why I got fired because I refused to adhere to the cult, very prevalent in the ad agency culture, of « man we stayed so late to finalise the copy and visuals, high five! »… following my diagnosis and as I learn more and more about my neurodivergence, I have now become feral about protecting my energy / peace. I adhere to the Jamie Lee Curtis school of thought: is it after 7pm? Then no, nope, I will not attend. Does it require me to wear anything else than my beloved uniform (thank you Dacy!) of stretchy black pyjama adjacent clothes? Nope. Will it be a stuffy dinner where I will need to mask my true self and consequently need several days to recover? Not a chance in hell I’m going. i’m making exceptions (going to see Drag Race France and The Rocky Horror Picture Show soon with people I will be able to be my true self with). And also being currently brainstorming how to pivot my professional life after years in copy writing, I am making a priority the fact of working from home + creating a schedule around my special needs (which I am aware involves a lot of privileges that I am so grateful for). Edited to add: The Nap Ministry was also instrumental in my reflexion around rest / burnout.
I love all your boundaries, JA! And yes, I make exceptions sometimes, like this week when a friend from college who lives in Europe is in town and I actually went to a dinner starting at 8:30pm 😳
If I accept an invitation outside in the world after 7pm it means you’re in the top tier of people that feel my well instead of deplete it haha.
Crap fill not feel 🤦♀️
Hey, fellow late-diagnosed human! I also followed the “I’m just a HSP/introvert”—> kid is diagnosed —> “ohh, it’s me” pathway. I’m about to take a 6-week pause on big freelance projects (not, alas, a complete break from work, but the bills need paying and one of my recurring clients is pretty chill) because I’m 7 months postpartum and rapidly approaching burnout. I don’t want a repeat of my first year postpartum with kid #1 (undiagnosed, in burnout, so confused about what was happening and why I couldn’t just force myself to get over it.)
It’s been freeing to recognize that my brain is autistic and *that’s* why it is the way the it is!… but also humbling to confront my own limitations and remind myself not to compare my capacity with other people’s. I’m working to be more honest with myself about what I need and what I can handle.
"working to be more honest with myself" that's been the hard part for me. And you're only 7 months postpartum, we shouldn't be asked to do anything other than keep a baby alive for at least a year!
Oh yes the pipeline from I’m an Hsp / introvert to burnout after my kid was born to uh oh avalanche of diagnosis is very real! I remember being in full burnout a year after my kiddo was born and thinking hmmm it’s a little late for postpartum… turns out it was very hard taking care of someone else when taking care of myself is already a challenge… and even harder when said kiddo turned out to be as challenging as myself (love him to death but it can be a lot). I relate to a lot of what you write, especially having to remind myself daily that I’m just not wired like other people and that yes a trip in a too full subway car with too many people noises smells etc can absolutely send me (and my kiddo haha) into shut down for days on end… sending a virtual hug and kuddos on your taking a break!
This is awesome, Dacy, and I'm right there with you. I recently backed out of an interview for a big, fancy job because I realized that I didn't actually want the job - I just felt like I had to achieve more, subconsciously I think. But that totally goes against my values. I do not agree with grind culture, and to the degree possible, I refuse to go along with it at work. More than just being that kind of role model for my kids, I want to try to set that tone for those around me.
For my strategies, I TRY to start from a place of "no." -- so like if school needs volunteers, it's an automatic no, unless it's something I'm really into (or they're begging). And thankfully I'm at an age where I have nothing to prove at work anymore so I don't have to take initiative in the hopes of "getting ahead." I also try to do less at home - trying to adopt the "good enough" motto and just lower the bar, in general. I have to remind myself, but it's totally worth it!
I really love that starting from a place of no. It's so hard when you get emails asking for one thing or another constantly!
I relate to so much of this! I aspire to be better at managing my energy levels though.
It’s so hard!
There were long stretches of time where I just had to pause any work I was doing because I was spending all my available energy on parenting “
Needed this today, I’m very behind and guilty about not feeling guilty if that makes sense. Then I remember I’ve kept 2 people healthy and mostly happy ... completely solo during a big family transition.
Thank you for the reflection
I'm glad you don't feel guilty! That is a huge task and requires all available resources.
OMG thanks for writing this. We aren’t all the same, and those of us whose drum beats differently have much to offer. I appreciate your transparency!