Cleaning...I have that same issue. I love to have my environment controlled, oops, I mean clean (lots of deep issues around this for me). But when you have little kids (or in my case right now two big kids home from college for the summer), it is really impossible to have things truly tidy.
I once asked a friend—who has twins who are 10 years older than my twins—if she regretted anything about how she parented them when they were little. She said: "Just one thing. If I had it to do over, I would NOT have washed that damn kitchen floor every night." I remember that when I am lamenting the smears of peanut butter that, to this day, get left all over.
Please feel no guilt about another year of preschool. Some of us are better mom when we’re not around our children constantly 🙋🏻♂️. The patristics making you feel guilty. Fuck the patriarchy.
One of the reasons the COVID lockdown was so traumatic for me was because I had to be with my children 24/7. It was so so hard. Thank goodness for public school!
I feel that too, and am hearing more and more people starting to talk about and process their pandemic experiences, often for the first time. Anyone who was old enough to remember the before and after — especially when their before and after were drastically different. And 100% agree, thank goodness for public school :)
Jul 17, 2023·edited Jul 17, 2023Liked by Dacy Gillespie
Kudos to you for getting away — and happy birthday!
My mom used to say that just when kids reach an age where they could actually be helpful around the house, they become the least helpful. I've found that to be true too, but the good thing is that I’ve learned to let more go as my kids have gotten older (ages 7, 12, 17, 23).
I try to rely on natural consequences as much as possible simply by doing less for them. Shared spaces are always trickier though. I’ve accepted that those spaces are simply not going to be what I’d like them to be. Also, I’ve learned from older moms that it helps to find some space that’s just yours. It can be a physical space, like a room or a garden — even public spaces work if they’re easily available. It can be a mental space you access by reading or writing.
Hang in there! Check out Amy Cuevas Schroeder's piece in The Midst: "At what age are we happiest and unhappiest" — it seems (on average) things start getting better soon after age 47. So you might feel more settled a lot sooner than your 60s.
Amy is an awesome writer and inspiring person all around. If you haven't already, check out her 2005 interview with Sinead O'Connor posted on The Midst last week. It's fantastic and ever relevant.
Happy birthday, Dacy! I'm going to make a radical suggestion: Hire a housecleaner. Instead of birthday, anniversary or holiday presents to/from your spouse, use what would go toward that to hire a housecleaner. Maybe it's once a month, every other week, every quarter. Whatever you can comfortably afford, do it. I'm about to do that for myself and I live in a ridiculously small space. But I loathe doing it anymore (was beyond Martha Stewart in my 20s and 30s, begrudgingly got it done in my 40s and really hate it in my 50s). Why do we do something we don't like to do? Yes, I'll have to adjust my budget, but it's time. It will make me happy, and that is worth whatever it costs, IMO. (Also, don't dread menopause. It's a great time in life, not full of doom or gloom. Whatever symptoms you might experience, there is help/support/medication. I dealt with my flashes for nearly three years because my GP believed old studies. Get an expert. GPs are not that. My GYN had gone through it, put me on low-dose HRT and life is beautiful. And wearing white jeans without fear or a calendar check is fantastically liberating.) xo
That's a really good idea, I've done in the past, maybe it's time again! And thank you for the positive perspective on menopause, I do often dwell on the negative!
Well, there is so much neg about it, how could you not? I got lucky with only the hot flashes (if you can call them hitting every few minutes lucky...I timed them thinking it was like contractions or something it was that crazy...also, not a mom so I was just trying to piece my biology together). I suffered for a few years because I have "sparkly" boobs and my GP said no HRT because of that perceived risk. Then I talked to a menopause expert MD who reminded me that our hearts kill us more than our boobs. There's a lot of protections in HRT, but that only lasts about 10 years before the bennies slip and the cons move in. All of this is to say, I feel great, sleep well, not exactly thrilled with the fluff the hormones have added, but if that's the only downside, I'll live. There's nothing at all to fear. You've survived childbirth, childrearing and marriage! 😉 You're invincible! xo
I’m on HRT and post-menopause is still crappy for me. It’s been several years. So it can be pretty gloomy for some of us, everyone’s experience is different. This reminds me of a friend who kept telling me for years and years that my migraines would go away after menopause. They didn’t. I have two other friends who like me, were told by other women that our migraines would go away after menopause and we are all still having them. It can be a real downer to hear that HRT will make it all lovely when for some of us, it doesn’t. There’s a reason some women describe it as suffering, because for some of us it is. Even on HRT. Menopause hit me like a brick wall. Then I have other friends who sailed through it with no medical care needed at all. Because everyone is unique.
Hi, Celeste. Of course everyone's experience is different, and I'm sorry you and your friends have had such a hard time. I would be doubled over with nauseating cramps every period and all that worked for me was Darvocet, which was then taken off the market. I am allergic to aspirin and its products (everything OTC but Tylenol), and Darvocet was the only opiate I could take without projectile vomiting (sorry, gross but true). The fact that this transition wasn't as awful and my angry periods was an utter grace for me. Everyone is different. My point was that the negative aspects of menopause get much of the press, making sure women dread getting older. Scared that we will no longer feel good, and it's all a downward spiral to Crone City. I wanted to share that there's more to it. My migraines haven't gone away either. But I did find that Midol works for them. (And TG for that.) I hope you find some relief. xo
Migraines, I’m currently on the new CGRP injections thanks to free samples from my PCP and it’s made an amazing difference, the only thing that has ever helped. And of course, insurance is refusing to cover it; their doctor who no doubt signs batch refusals of physician prior authorization requests say “your doctor says it’s medically necessary but our doctor says it isn’t.” Grrrrrr! I only have one sample left…they cost $700 a month! I was hoping HRT would help because it stabilizes hormone levels, but nope! For people like me with chronic migraine, Midol has been shown to cause rebound. If you are interested, every year there’s a free online Migraine Summit with talks from neurologists, researchers and other health professionals, completely free during the Summit.
I didn’t know Darvocet was taken off the market. Learned something new!
I was hoping, after the pandemic hit us so hard, we'd take another look at our healthcare system. I'm on Kaiser (I'm in L.A.) because I know with them nothing will be denied after the fact from a "peer review", if I need something, I get it (maybe after jumping through a few procedural hoops), and I know what everything will cost. I had Anthem/Blue Cross PPO and was repeatedly screwed over and denied after approvals/after the procedure was done. Never again. We need to sort that out so people can get the care they need rather than feed greedy pockets. My migraines are mostly sinus related, so Midol doesn't have that blowback for me (TG). But had my first visual migrain about 2 years ago. That was scary fun. And I miss Darvocet. I used to be able to take Vicodin for the cramps for a while, but then that opiate allergy caught up with it. I hope your doctor can come up with something for you. Some nice ones will continue to share their samples (back in my PPO days, my allergist would give me inhalers for my asthma because the the co-pay cost). Wishing you all the best, Celeste. Something good will come along and help radically. xo
I’m in Athens, GA. There was a brouhaha here a few years ago when Blue Cross decided not to cover the regional hospital here! The governor got involved since it affected all the employees of the University of Georgia which is here. We need universal healthcare.
(My husband grew up in Bakersfield. Moved to Los Angeles at 17.)
Oh, California sued them all the time! That's how I got one bill paid (reminding them the Attorney General was just a phone call away). They are the worst, IMO, though I hear of other companies who are equally awful. (Their reimbursement form was actually in ComicSans. I mean, come on. The joke is no longer funny.) Yes to universal healthcare. It's beyond time for that, FFS. xo
KC Davis is awesome at talking about housekeeping as self care. It's a kindness to your future self, and as such, is done at a level that respects your present self too (which may mean a dirtier house, but a saner mind!).
Dacy you mentioned menopause. I’m post menopausal and need HRT to manage severe symptoms. I’m 57. Not all women have a hard time, I have a friend who says it was easy. But my mom, who did not go on HRT, is 77 and still having severe symptoms. So there’s no guarantee that it only lasts 10 years. I was extremely lucky to find a midwife who specializes in menopause. Many doctors are clueless.
Darcy mentioned the book “Hot and Bothered” by Jancee Dunn. I just read the sample of it on Amazon and have this to say: “FACTS.” That author nails it! I was lucky to recognize severe symptoms as menopause thanks to my mom’s descriptions of her experience, but I wish I’d realized what was going on during perimenopause so I could have spoken to my doctor. Jaycee Dunn’s quip about a condom made of Astroturf! 😆 I wish I’d known to seek help in my 40s. I talk about it but no one in my circle does, and doctors don’t seem to know much either.
I was a little disappointed that Jancee Dunn made a quip about clogs and wash and go hairstyles quite negatively. I’ve never wanted to spend lots of time on hairstyling or wear uncomfortable shoes.
I did eliminate my insomnia with daily meditation. I started with the book (it has guided audio meditations) “ Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World” by Mark Williams and Danny Penman and then moved to Insight Timer.
Cleaning...I have that same issue. I love to have my environment controlled, oops, I mean clean (lots of deep issues around this for me). But when you have little kids (or in my case right now two big kids home from college for the summer), it is really impossible to have things truly tidy.
I once asked a friend—who has twins who are 10 years older than my twins—if she regretted anything about how she parented them when they were little. She said: "Just one thing. If I had it to do over, I would NOT have washed that damn kitchen floor every night." I remember that when I am lamenting the smears of peanut butter that, to this day, get left all over.
Love you!
Ugh, that's a good reminder!
Really impossible is spot-on!
Please feel no guilt about another year of preschool. Some of us are better mom when we’re not around our children constantly 🙋🏻♂️. The patristics making you feel guilty. Fuck the patriarchy.
That is me too, 100%
One of the reasons the COVID lockdown was so traumatic for me was because I had to be with my children 24/7. It was so so hard. Thank goodness for public school!
It was almost unbearable - like, I look back and think, how did we/I do that???
Oh my gosh, yes. My anxiety/stress goes through the roof when I think back to that time. It was awful.
I feel that too, and am hearing more and more people starting to talk about and process their pandemic experiences, often for the first time. Anyone who was old enough to remember the before and after — especially when their before and after were drastically different. And 100% agree, thank goodness for public school :)
Kudos to you for getting away — and happy birthday!
My mom used to say that just when kids reach an age where they could actually be helpful around the house, they become the least helpful. I've found that to be true too, but the good thing is that I’ve learned to let more go as my kids have gotten older (ages 7, 12, 17, 23).
I try to rely on natural consequences as much as possible simply by doing less for them. Shared spaces are always trickier though. I’ve accepted that those spaces are simply not going to be what I’d like them to be. Also, I’ve learned from older moms that it helps to find some space that’s just yours. It can be a physical space, like a room or a garden — even public spaces work if they’re easily available. It can be a mental space you access by reading or writing.
Hang in there! Check out Amy Cuevas Schroeder's piece in The Midst: "At what age are we happiest and unhappiest" — it seems (on average) things start getting better soon after age 47. So you might feel more settled a lot sooner than your 60s.
https://themidst.substack.com/p/at-what-age-are-we-happiest-and-unhappiest?utm_source=profile&utm_medium=reader2
Circling back to say I loved that article, thanks for recommending!
Amy is an awesome writer and inspiring person all around. If you haven't already, check out her 2005 interview with Sinead O'Connor posted on The Midst last week. It's fantastic and ever relevant.
https://themidst.substack.com/p/sinead-oconnor
That's hopeful!
Happy birthday, Dacy! I'm going to make a radical suggestion: Hire a housecleaner. Instead of birthday, anniversary or holiday presents to/from your spouse, use what would go toward that to hire a housecleaner. Maybe it's once a month, every other week, every quarter. Whatever you can comfortably afford, do it. I'm about to do that for myself and I live in a ridiculously small space. But I loathe doing it anymore (was beyond Martha Stewart in my 20s and 30s, begrudgingly got it done in my 40s and really hate it in my 50s). Why do we do something we don't like to do? Yes, I'll have to adjust my budget, but it's time. It will make me happy, and that is worth whatever it costs, IMO. (Also, don't dread menopause. It's a great time in life, not full of doom or gloom. Whatever symptoms you might experience, there is help/support/medication. I dealt with my flashes for nearly three years because my GP believed old studies. Get an expert. GPs are not that. My GYN had gone through it, put me on low-dose HRT and life is beautiful. And wearing white jeans without fear or a calendar check is fantastically liberating.) xo
That's a really good idea, I've done in the past, maybe it's time again! And thank you for the positive perspective on menopause, I do often dwell on the negative!
Well, there is so much neg about it, how could you not? I got lucky with only the hot flashes (if you can call them hitting every few minutes lucky...I timed them thinking it was like contractions or something it was that crazy...also, not a mom so I was just trying to piece my biology together). I suffered for a few years because I have "sparkly" boobs and my GP said no HRT because of that perceived risk. Then I talked to a menopause expert MD who reminded me that our hearts kill us more than our boobs. There's a lot of protections in HRT, but that only lasts about 10 years before the bennies slip and the cons move in. All of this is to say, I feel great, sleep well, not exactly thrilled with the fluff the hormones have added, but if that's the only downside, I'll live. There's nothing at all to fear. You've survived childbirth, childrearing and marriage! 😉 You're invincible! xo
I’m on HRT and post-menopause is still crappy for me. It’s been several years. So it can be pretty gloomy for some of us, everyone’s experience is different. This reminds me of a friend who kept telling me for years and years that my migraines would go away after menopause. They didn’t. I have two other friends who like me, were told by other women that our migraines would go away after menopause and we are all still having them. It can be a real downer to hear that HRT will make it all lovely when for some of us, it doesn’t. There’s a reason some women describe it as suffering, because for some of us it is. Even on HRT. Menopause hit me like a brick wall. Then I have other friends who sailed through it with no medical care needed at all. Because everyone is unique.
Hi, Celeste. Of course everyone's experience is different, and I'm sorry you and your friends have had such a hard time. I would be doubled over with nauseating cramps every period and all that worked for me was Darvocet, which was then taken off the market. I am allergic to aspirin and its products (everything OTC but Tylenol), and Darvocet was the only opiate I could take without projectile vomiting (sorry, gross but true). The fact that this transition wasn't as awful and my angry periods was an utter grace for me. Everyone is different. My point was that the negative aspects of menopause get much of the press, making sure women dread getting older. Scared that we will no longer feel good, and it's all a downward spiral to Crone City. I wanted to share that there's more to it. My migraines haven't gone away either. But I did find that Midol works for them. (And TG for that.) I hope you find some relief. xo
Migraines, I’m currently on the new CGRP injections thanks to free samples from my PCP and it’s made an amazing difference, the only thing that has ever helped. And of course, insurance is refusing to cover it; their doctor who no doubt signs batch refusals of physician prior authorization requests say “your doctor says it’s medically necessary but our doctor says it isn’t.” Grrrrrr! I only have one sample left…they cost $700 a month! I was hoping HRT would help because it stabilizes hormone levels, but nope! For people like me with chronic migraine, Midol has been shown to cause rebound. If you are interested, every year there’s a free online Migraine Summit with talks from neurologists, researchers and other health professionals, completely free during the Summit.
I didn’t know Darvocet was taken off the market. Learned something new!
I was hoping, after the pandemic hit us so hard, we'd take another look at our healthcare system. I'm on Kaiser (I'm in L.A.) because I know with them nothing will be denied after the fact from a "peer review", if I need something, I get it (maybe after jumping through a few procedural hoops), and I know what everything will cost. I had Anthem/Blue Cross PPO and was repeatedly screwed over and denied after approvals/after the procedure was done. Never again. We need to sort that out so people can get the care they need rather than feed greedy pockets. My migraines are mostly sinus related, so Midol doesn't have that blowback for me (TG). But had my first visual migrain about 2 years ago. That was scary fun. And I miss Darvocet. I used to be able to take Vicodin for the cramps for a while, but then that opiate allergy caught up with it. I hope your doctor can come up with something for you. Some nice ones will continue to share their samples (back in my PPO days, my allergist would give me inhalers for my asthma because the the co-pay cost). Wishing you all the best, Celeste. Something good will come along and help radically. xo
I’m in Athens, GA. There was a brouhaha here a few years ago when Blue Cross decided not to cover the regional hospital here! The governor got involved since it affected all the employees of the University of Georgia which is here. We need universal healthcare.
(My husband grew up in Bakersfield. Moved to Los Angeles at 17.)
Oh, California sued them all the time! That's how I got one bill paid (reminding them the Attorney General was just a phone call away). They are the worst, IMO, though I hear of other companies who are equally awful. (Their reimbursement form was actually in ComicSans. I mean, come on. The joke is no longer funny.) Yes to universal healthcare. It's beyond time for that, FFS. xo
the staycation sounds like a perfect gift and so much of this resonates. happy birthday to you. :)
Thank you!!
KC Davis is awesome at talking about housekeeping as self care. It's a kindness to your future self, and as such, is done at a level that respects your present self too (which may mean a dirtier house, but a saner mind!).
She is, she's the best.
Thank you for the KC Davis recommendation, I’m looking at her ted talk right now!
Dacy you mentioned menopause. I’m post menopausal and need HRT to manage severe symptoms. I’m 57. Not all women have a hard time, I have a friend who says it was easy. But my mom, who did not go on HRT, is 77 and still having severe symptoms. So there’s no guarantee that it only lasts 10 years. I was extremely lucky to find a midwife who specializes in menopause. Many doctors are clueless.
I'm going to looking at all the options!
What a wonderful gift and happy birthday! All of this resonates so deeply for me. Thank you for sharing your contemplations and being so honest.
❤️
Darcy mentioned the book “Hot and Bothered” by Jancee Dunn. I just read the sample of it on Amazon and have this to say: “FACTS.” That author nails it! I was lucky to recognize severe symptoms as menopause thanks to my mom’s descriptions of her experience, but I wish I’d realized what was going on during perimenopause so I could have spoken to my doctor. Jaycee Dunn’s quip about a condom made of Astroturf! 😆 I wish I’d known to seek help in my 40s. I talk about it but no one in my circle does, and doctors don’t seem to know much either.
I was a little disappointed that Jancee Dunn made a quip about clogs and wash and go hairstyles quite negatively. I’ve never wanted to spend lots of time on hairstyling or wear uncomfortable shoes.
I did eliminate my insomnia with daily meditation. I started with the book (it has guided audio meditations) “ Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World” by Mark Williams and Danny Penman and then moved to Insight Timer.
Yes, I'm trying to remember if my momcations started prepandemic - I think they must have because of the ages of my kids, but yes, so necessary.