This resonates. A year or so ago, I was really happy with my body and also with my wardrobe. Then my body changed. In needing to buy new clothes, I felt so much guilt: Guilt about spending money (even though I technically had the money, I didn't want to spend it on this); guilt about being wasteful with clothes, some of which were quite new; and guilt about my body changing. But getting rid of the old clothes and feeling good in clothes that fit really is, as you say, a step towards body acceptance and the reality of perimenopause, which we women often have to navigate on our own - it can be a lonely process (very different than my experience with pregnancy).
Same thing happened to me. I curated my wardrobe for years, and then almost literally overnight I went up two sizes and it popped me at the edge, or completely out of, my go-to stores. I am torn between trying to be intentional with my purchases and just buying anything that will fit because I lost my entire wardrobe.
Yes! This!!! Even when you are following all the best advice for a pre-menopause body, things can change faster than you can keep up with and all of a sudden, nothing to wear. I'm sorry, but also so relieved to hear I'm not alone!
So many perimenopause changes that I didn’t really anticipate and that don’t really feel acceptable coming from a mother and family that are forever-dieters.
I struggle with this. Most of my favorite clothes in the past have been hand-made by me. Numerous pieces have worn out, to the point where the fabric is so threadbare it will no longer hold another seam and isn't strong enough to be patched. That kind of wear is what I think of when people say "wear it out". My style is not for everyone but it's made for and by me in quality fabrics and durable construction and it worked for a long time.
Then menopause.
This will be the third year in a row I'm scrambling to buy something, almost anything, to get me through four different seasons of three days of office work. The home situation is hardly any better. Among the things I have grown out of are every pair of pants I own, all of my non-elasticized skirts, most blouses, athletic skorts, bras, panties, the clothes I use for cleaning the house and gardening, t-shirts that used to be loose, a raincoat that was trustworthy for a decade, the essential winter down coat, the list goes on. I have a de facto uncoordinated capsule wardrobe because items of clothing keep dropping off of my "can be worn out of the house without looking like a stuffed sausage" list. The range of feelings is intense--grief for my style, frustration that I don't have the time to create enough fast enough to express myself, rage at the invisibility of post-menopausal women, anger at medical professionals who just shrug and say "well at a certain age..." as if now my only option is to stop being athletic, give up on having a waistline, and don decorated sacks.
The idea of embracing "clothes for now" makes me almost want to cry with relief. I will figure this out, I won't be wearing plain machine made whatever forever, there is a new style that's truly mine waiting for me somewhere past this hump of despair and frumpiness. I hope.
Omg. The “well, you’re a woman” comments from medical providers when you’re like “my breasts grow 1-2 cup sizes and hurt like hell for two weeks every month”. Like there’s no relief? Really?
Starting a wardrobe from absolute zero is so hard. Just wanted to empathize as I've experienced this as well. You've described this in perfect detail, all of the clothing items that used to be a guarantee are now just gone. Having to find and pay for a new everything is daunting.
Something about this disposable/investment dichotomy that bothers me is that I've never been able to predict which pieces would go the distance. I have Target and Loft t-shirts that drape well and have lasted for years of repeated wear. And I've been disappointed by more expensive pieces that I had great hopes for but are finicky to care for, or that I don't end up reaching for that often. Same goes for bags and shoes. Sometimes I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and get duplicates of the items I wear over and over...
This is so very smart, I can’t even tell you the number of times I’ve cleaned out my closet when I’ve lost weight, but then hung onto favorites, that somehow represented a past success, when my weight went the other way. All the ways we torture ourselves when our bodies don’t measure up to what others perceive to be perfect, It’s just mind-boggling. I’m experimenting now with just keeping things in my closet that fit me right now. Actually, thanks to you, Dacy, I am keeping things in my closet that fit me right now. Thanks much!
Interesting choice of the word "torture," but completely apt. I just looked up the definition and it can mean "anguish of body or mind," and if that isn't accurate, I don't know what is.
I appreciate the reminder that clothes are not an investment. I use that phrase a lot when I justify to myself spending money on expensive items. Scarcity mindset and being a minimalist make me feel like a I need justification. The scarcity mindset is interesting because I can go both ways. In one way, scarcity mindset can stop me from buying things because I don't want to spend the money. In another way, scarcity mindset can cause me to buy more than I need (like 4 of the same black pants in the same size) because I am afraid if something gets ruined or worn out, I won't have anything else to wear (as a woman in a larger body, it isn't easy finding clothes that I like AND that fit).
This definitely resonates. I'm in a place right now where, 9 months post-partum with my first, with every new season I realize I don't have clothes that fit. Now that we're on a tighter budget because of the added financial pressures of another human (!), I feel even more conflicted about spending money on clothes--how to thoughtfully rebuild my closet, how to balance ethics and practicality, etc. etc. So I feel you!
This makes me think about how I "gave myself permission" to update my wardrobe when I lost 50 lbs years ago but I don't give myself that same permission when the scale goes the opposite way. What a double standard! I want to have a wardrobe that represents me, and I also need/want to accept that I am free and able to change. Thank you for your writing and your work in this space. Forever grateful!
I had this same conversation with my therapist -- that I was struggling to let myself buy new jeans when my old ones got tight. She said, "So you don't deserve to be comfortable because you gained weight?" And damn. That one got me.
I struggle with the whole,capsule wardrobe and investment clothing. My body seems to forever change even when my weight stays the same. Something in between fast fashion and investment would be perfect
I’m sewing a very intentional wardrobe for myself from scratch right now as I leave the tropics for Europe at the end of the year. The last time I lived in a temperate climate, I was pre-kids, still dieting, and wearing uncomfortably skinny jeans. And now? I don’t know for sure what I’m going to like to wear. I am making up four pants, one of which is floor-length tencel chambray culottes with an elasticated waistband in the back (take that, skinny jeans!). It’s a lot of time and a goodly bit of money, and entirely possible I don’t end up wearing them much. But I can make peace with that, and I know that letting myself experiment and make some duds is part of the process. (Or, hey, maybe I will love them!) Thank you for the reminder that I don’t have to stress about nailing every item in my wardrobe.
While I may have given that reminder, i was much less chill about making duds during my sewing phase. I just couldn't take it that all that work had gone into something that wasn't usable, learning process or not!
For spring and summer, I bought all elastic waist linen or tencel and blousy overshirts and hiplength tops. I bought these during end of season sales last year at great prices, knowing that they could both flex down and up a size if needed. It worked! I went to my 50th college reunion with several options and can also use them regularly any time I get out of jeans. They will make it through at least two seasons and since they are good quality, hopefully even longer. I used to buy things that were a little tight and then plan to lose a few pounds to wear them comfortably. No more!!!
I am turning 45 this summer. I had my babies at almost-37 and almost-39. The first birth experience was to twins by caesarean; the second to a single baby via VBAC. I had a LOT of science help (which threw my otherwise-healthy body into gestational diabetes both times and caused rapid weight gain in the second trimester). My body has been in a constant state of flux ever since, and since starting perimenopause, all my "old tricks" to maintain my muscle-tone and weight aren't working the same way. In some ways, it's a gift. It's making it easier to let go of things that stop fitting for more than a season or two.
I read "Undressed" years ago and loved it! It was such an eye opener, as was the disaster at Rana Plaza. I wish I could say I abandoned fast-fashion for good, but that would be inaccurate. In a moment of weakness, I tried Shein and was promptly reminded why I almost never buy these items any more (exceptions are tees and shorts from Target and Old Navy, which work well for me and last a long time when 100% cotton; my favorite pair of shorts is from 2015 and going strong). To spare my budget, I have switched to shopping secondhand (Poshmark or Savers, usually, occasionally Goodwill), but that is starting to become its own ethical landmine because it's limiting what is available to those who don't have the privilege to buy quality first-hand and driving up secondhand prices). There is no easy answer, for sure.
I try to follow the following rules and remember the following ideas now:
1/ Only what you know is useful or believe to be beautiful (William Morris)
2/ Everything is on its way to being trash. We deserve not to live in landfills.
3/ "Humans think that they're making one choice, but they're actually making dozens of choices they don't even know they're making." (Michael, The Good Place)
Hearing "what will the neighbors think" often said about my clothing choices growing up gave me the mindset that there's the perfect wardrobe I should be striving for as I grew into adulthood. I'm a thrift store shopper, so the 50 some-odd yr old pieces I have that are that are near impossible to replace leave me stressing when they're beyond repair because, ultimately, they're a part of my identity.
Who am I without x,y, and z is a tale as old as time. I know it's an unhealthy attachment and I'm actively working on it, but being back at the thrift stores looking for things that will fit me AND be vintage or fit into a specific style is forcing me to deal with these very deep seeded beliefs given to me by another generation. I'll be better for it when I find a balance, but it's a daily struggle none-the-less. Grateful to know I'm not alone
If my size OR style changes, I can sell those clothes that I bought and that helps. That's basically what I've been telling myself and it really helps. Also, if something from Torrid is cute and I'll wear it a million times, why shouldn't I buy it?
This resonates. A year or so ago, I was really happy with my body and also with my wardrobe. Then my body changed. In needing to buy new clothes, I felt so much guilt: Guilt about spending money (even though I technically had the money, I didn't want to spend it on this); guilt about being wasteful with clothes, some of which were quite new; and guilt about my body changing. But getting rid of the old clothes and feeling good in clothes that fit really is, as you say, a step towards body acceptance and the reality of perimenopause, which we women often have to navigate on our own - it can be a lonely process (very different than my experience with pregnancy).
Yes, pregnancy is really the only time it's acceptable for our bodies to change, and NO ONE tells you about the menopause changes.
Same thing happened to me. I curated my wardrobe for years, and then almost literally overnight I went up two sizes and it popped me at the edge, or completely out of, my go-to stores. I am torn between trying to be intentional with my purchases and just buying anything that will fit because I lost my entire wardrobe.
atm, you need anything that will fit!!
Yes! This!!! Even when you are following all the best advice for a pre-menopause body, things can change faster than you can keep up with and all of a sudden, nothing to wear. I'm sorry, but also so relieved to hear I'm not alone!
So many perimenopause changes that I didn’t really anticipate and that don’t really feel acceptable coming from a mother and family that are forever-dieters.
I struggle with this. Most of my favorite clothes in the past have been hand-made by me. Numerous pieces have worn out, to the point where the fabric is so threadbare it will no longer hold another seam and isn't strong enough to be patched. That kind of wear is what I think of when people say "wear it out". My style is not for everyone but it's made for and by me in quality fabrics and durable construction and it worked for a long time.
Then menopause.
This will be the third year in a row I'm scrambling to buy something, almost anything, to get me through four different seasons of three days of office work. The home situation is hardly any better. Among the things I have grown out of are every pair of pants I own, all of my non-elasticized skirts, most blouses, athletic skorts, bras, panties, the clothes I use for cleaning the house and gardening, t-shirts that used to be loose, a raincoat that was trustworthy for a decade, the essential winter down coat, the list goes on. I have a de facto uncoordinated capsule wardrobe because items of clothing keep dropping off of my "can be worn out of the house without looking like a stuffed sausage" list. The range of feelings is intense--grief for my style, frustration that I don't have the time to create enough fast enough to express myself, rage at the invisibility of post-menopausal women, anger at medical professionals who just shrug and say "well at a certain age..." as if now my only option is to stop being athletic, give up on having a waistline, and don decorated sacks.
The idea of embracing "clothes for now" makes me almost want to cry with relief. I will figure this out, I won't be wearing plain machine made whatever forever, there is a new style that's truly mine waiting for me somewhere past this hump of despair and frumpiness. I hope.
Oh! I feel all of this so deeply and am glad you're able to express your feelings about the process. Hope this reframe is able to help ❤️
Omg. The “well, you’re a woman” comments from medical providers when you’re like “my breasts grow 1-2 cup sizes and hurt like hell for two weeks every month”. Like there’s no relief? Really?
Starting a wardrobe from absolute zero is so hard. Just wanted to empathize as I've experienced this as well. You've described this in perfect detail, all of the clothing items that used to be a guarantee are now just gone. Having to find and pay for a new everything is daunting.
Something about this disposable/investment dichotomy that bothers me is that I've never been able to predict which pieces would go the distance. I have Target and Loft t-shirts that drape well and have lasted for years of repeated wear. And I've been disappointed by more expensive pieces that I had great hopes for but are finicky to care for, or that I don't end up reaching for that often. Same goes for bags and shoes. Sometimes I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and get duplicates of the items I wear over and over...
this is genuinely hard and frustrating and I wish I had the solution!
This is so very smart, I can’t even tell you the number of times I’ve cleaned out my closet when I’ve lost weight, but then hung onto favorites, that somehow represented a past success, when my weight went the other way. All the ways we torture ourselves when our bodies don’t measure up to what others perceive to be perfect, It’s just mind-boggling. I’m experimenting now with just keeping things in my closet that fit me right now. Actually, thanks to you, Dacy, I am keeping things in my closet that fit me right now. Thanks much!
i love that
Oh yes, I think you are becoming my hero!
Interesting choice of the word "torture," but completely apt. I just looked up the definition and it can mean "anguish of body or mind," and if that isn't accurate, I don't know what is.
I appreciate the reminder that clothes are not an investment. I use that phrase a lot when I justify to myself spending money on expensive items. Scarcity mindset and being a minimalist make me feel like a I need justification. The scarcity mindset is interesting because I can go both ways. In one way, scarcity mindset can stop me from buying things because I don't want to spend the money. In another way, scarcity mindset can cause me to buy more than I need (like 4 of the same black pants in the same size) because I am afraid if something gets ruined or worn out, I won't have anything else to wear (as a woman in a larger body, it isn't easy finding clothes that I like AND that fit).
yes, I definitely see both of these ways that scarcity shows up with my clients, and myself personally.
This definitely resonates. I'm in a place right now where, 9 months post-partum with my first, with every new season I realize I don't have clothes that fit. Now that we're on a tighter budget because of the added financial pressures of another human (!), I feel even more conflicted about spending money on clothes--how to thoughtfully rebuild my closet, how to balance ethics and practicality, etc. etc. So I feel you!
the "how" of it is a whole other post, it's not easy!! 😂
Oh yeah, I've finally recovered from over 50 years of binge eating and yo-yo dieting, and believe me, torture is the right word for that craziness!
I’m really trying to embrace this idea, but clothes can be so expensive, especially when I need mostly a new wardrobe.
I’m happy to hear that I’m not the only one dealing with a changing perimenopause body.
This makes me think about how I "gave myself permission" to update my wardrobe when I lost 50 lbs years ago but I don't give myself that same permission when the scale goes the opposite way. What a double standard! I want to have a wardrobe that represents me, and I also need/want to accept that I am free and able to change. Thank you for your writing and your work in this space. Forever grateful!
I had this same conversation with my therapist -- that I was struggling to let myself buy new jeans when my old ones got tight. She said, "So you don't deserve to be comfortable because you gained weight?" And damn. That one got me.
THIS!!!! EXACTLY!!!
I struggle with the whole,capsule wardrobe and investment clothing. My body seems to forever change even when my weight stays the same. Something in between fast fashion and investment would be perfect
I hear that
I’m sewing a very intentional wardrobe for myself from scratch right now as I leave the tropics for Europe at the end of the year. The last time I lived in a temperate climate, I was pre-kids, still dieting, and wearing uncomfortably skinny jeans. And now? I don’t know for sure what I’m going to like to wear. I am making up four pants, one of which is floor-length tencel chambray culottes with an elasticated waistband in the back (take that, skinny jeans!). It’s a lot of time and a goodly bit of money, and entirely possible I don’t end up wearing them much. But I can make peace with that, and I know that letting myself experiment and make some duds is part of the process. (Or, hey, maybe I will love them!) Thank you for the reminder that I don’t have to stress about nailing every item in my wardrobe.
While I may have given that reminder, i was much less chill about making duds during my sewing phase. I just couldn't take it that all that work had gone into something that wasn't usable, learning process or not!
For spring and summer, I bought all elastic waist linen or tencel and blousy overshirts and hiplength tops. I bought these during end of season sales last year at great prices, knowing that they could both flex down and up a size if needed. It worked! I went to my 50th college reunion with several options and can also use them regularly any time I get out of jeans. They will make it through at least two seasons and since they are good quality, hopefully even longer. I used to buy things that were a little tight and then plan to lose a few pounds to wear them comfortably. No more!!!
I'm so glad, that sounds perfect!
I am turning 45 this summer. I had my babies at almost-37 and almost-39. The first birth experience was to twins by caesarean; the second to a single baby via VBAC. I had a LOT of science help (which threw my otherwise-healthy body into gestational diabetes both times and caused rapid weight gain in the second trimester). My body has been in a constant state of flux ever since, and since starting perimenopause, all my "old tricks" to maintain my muscle-tone and weight aren't working the same way. In some ways, it's a gift. It's making it easier to let go of things that stop fitting for more than a season or two.
I read "Undressed" years ago and loved it! It was such an eye opener, as was the disaster at Rana Plaza. I wish I could say I abandoned fast-fashion for good, but that would be inaccurate. In a moment of weakness, I tried Shein and was promptly reminded why I almost never buy these items any more (exceptions are tees and shorts from Target and Old Navy, which work well for me and last a long time when 100% cotton; my favorite pair of shorts is from 2015 and going strong). To spare my budget, I have switched to shopping secondhand (Poshmark or Savers, usually, occasionally Goodwill), but that is starting to become its own ethical landmine because it's limiting what is available to those who don't have the privilege to buy quality first-hand and driving up secondhand prices). There is no easy answer, for sure.
I try to follow the following rules and remember the following ideas now:
1/ Only what you know is useful or believe to be beautiful (William Morris)
2/ Everything is on its way to being trash. We deserve not to live in landfills.
3/ "Humans think that they're making one choice, but they're actually making dozens of choices they don't even know they're making." (Michael, The Good Place)
Hearing "what will the neighbors think" often said about my clothing choices growing up gave me the mindset that there's the perfect wardrobe I should be striving for as I grew into adulthood. I'm a thrift store shopper, so the 50 some-odd yr old pieces I have that are that are near impossible to replace leave me stressing when they're beyond repair because, ultimately, they're a part of my identity.
Who am I without x,y, and z is a tale as old as time. I know it's an unhealthy attachment and I'm actively working on it, but being back at the thrift stores looking for things that will fit me AND be vintage or fit into a specific style is forcing me to deal with these very deep seeded beliefs given to me by another generation. I'll be better for it when I find a balance, but it's a daily struggle none-the-less. Grateful to know I'm not alone
Relatable!
If my size OR style changes, I can sell those clothes that I bought and that helps. That's basically what I've been telling myself and it really helps. Also, if something from Torrid is cute and I'll wear it a million times, why shouldn't I buy it?
I resell tons of my clothes. And yep, anything you'll wear a million times is a good buy!
I want to be friends with all of your readers, Dacy.
ME TOOO