I have one more day before my subscription ends. I wasn't going to comment as I've said goodbye (for now), but this piece is gorgeous in every way. The vulnerability moves me in ways that one wouldn't think an essay about clothes would, because it's more than just about clothes. It's about who we were and how we grew, how we express who we are in this moment, and mostly how we choose to value ourselves. I know it's scary sharing personal story, but as you see from these responses, the dialogue you started gives women permission to examine themselves and share their stories, which is what great writing does. Brava, Dacy.
Hi Dacy, like you I grew up in a family without much money, there were 5 of us kids and my dad died when I was 8. My mum kept everything together on a widows benefit and cash cleaning jobs. One highlight clothes-wise was the big bags of clothes we got (delivered ? something to do with a organisation for single parents who sent birthday cards to kids/ took bus loads of us out for a big Xmas party). Those bags were a treasure trove when I was 10! And the other thing was us kids playing dress ups in mums old clothes and shoes that she never wore/ she had some fab 70s floor length slinky numbers ! But then overwhelmingly at my all-girls high school, I wanted to fit in. We wore a uniform but on the days ‘mufti days’ we could wear anything. Agonising!
Later on in the late 80s when I was working part time then at uni, I became an avid thrifter - we call them opportunity shops in NZ. So many beautifully made dresses and coats and hats from the 50s-70s, & I added doc Martin boots to the look (a British institution - went mainstream after being a punk look). I discovered a love of really good quality things from op shops that specialised in vintage, I think. These days most op shops just have fast fashion which look like rags second hand. And I have the income to buy beautifully made things. So I do! My bigger body recently means my sister got all my fitted outfits, she’s happy and I have a whole new wardrobe - a small work one and a bigger and much more colourful and quirky play one !
I've been thinking about this post since I read it yesterday. I think about how willingly I spend money for the kids -- on their clothing, experiences, road trip slushies, but then I feel guilty when I buy a dress I've been eyeing for months when it is on sale. I never felt poor growing up, but I knew that Dr. Martens weren't accessible for new school shoes. As an adult, I bought a pair that I could afford and felt like "I've made it." Also being comfortable with the idea that I might be able to own "nice" or "expensive" clothing and shoes. Then how maybe sometimes I like something that isn't expensive. I receive the same number of compliments on a $30 blazer as the $300 one my MIL bought me (the fact that she bought this for me full price and then makes her son shop the sale rack is a WHOLE thing). It's so much to think about. Thankful and excited for this series!
Really excited for the rest of this series! It is vulnerable to share money origins but it is so helpful to hear about. My girlfriends and I started to do this a few years ago and it like opened me up to how important it is to examine this part of our lives-- there is so much shame around it! Fascinating to hear your perspective on clothes shopping and growing up, I have problems on the other end of the spectrum and come from a family where shopping was the only thing we could all connect on and liked to do together.
yeah! my one friend was reading books about money and was like ‘i’d love to just be able to talk about this openly and my stress around it’ and so we decided to try and talk about it and we all found it really eye opening
I can relate, I'm also 47 and grew up with parents that didn't make a lot of money. I grew up in Atlanta though, where thrifting was cool by the time I hit high school and, at least in my microcosm, the blonde sorority girl southern stereotype was not what was cool. What did blow my mind was moving out of state to go to college at FSU where I encountered tan white girls with money who didn't shop at Value Village or think thrifting was cool. That was a culture shock for the ages.
Cutoffs, tights and mary janes = staple outfit for me too!!
I definitely resonate with this. My grandmother was also very stylish and willing to purchase clothes for me that my mother would not, either because of cost or disagreements about what was "appropriate." I was an awkward teen so I often chose quirky over stylish which resulted in so much teasing that even now I hesitate to buy anything that stands out from what everyone else is wearing. I am working on that because my heart wants quirky.
This is such a heartfelt and honest piece, Dacy! I am definitely in the camp you describe at the end— less likely to buy clothes for myself than others, spend more freely on my kid than on myself. I found my shopping/the joy I used to get even from just looking (RIP loehmans) really diminished once I grew into my adult plus size body (perhaps not coincidentally, that was also the transition to spending my own money rather than my parents’). Once I wasn’t able to try a lot on in person, the motivation to shop/buy slowly but surely morphed. In some ways I think it’s good that I’m far less inclined to see buying clothes as a fun thing to do, but I do miss it sometimes too!
Wow Dacy this is huge. The financial aspect of clothing myself definitely brings up a lot of fears, including fear of scarcity... that somehow I won't have enough. I am more likely to wait for sales and buy three pairs of pants in colors I don't really want than to buy a pair at the beginning of the season when the color I like is full price. I can remember during a time after my parents divorced when we were all really struggling financially... my Mom went shopping to an outlet mall and brought home seven blazers that had been on sale. Seven identical blazers, one in each color. I guess having multiples made her feel better than purchasing one better quality garment. As I get older I realize that I am definitely subject to the same impulses. It's a bizarre balancing line between "I don't deserve what I really want" and "I deserve to have extras since I don't get what I really want". Neither one is working terribly well for me... there are a lot of sad feelings here, and for me the overlap with many other aspects of life. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you for this beautiful piece! I love understanding people’s money stories. I also grew up with a bit of scarcity and it triggered the opposite behavior (can def compulsively buy too much to feel reassured I have the “right” things!), which is fascinating… so many parallels with diet culture too. So much to think about, thank you!
I loved this, Dacy! I so enjoy these personal posts about you, your life, your background. Related so much to so many parts of this. Appreciate your openness and vulnerability.
This was such a great post to read. Thank you for sharing your relationship to where our spending habits come from. I never thought about it as it pertains to my clothing and style. Recently I felt like I splurged when I had a work trip and felt like I needed to level up my style since it’s changed a lot in the 8 months since I went to a big work event. I felt guilty spending money on myself and something that still feels like it’s evolving (isn’t it always?!).
Thanks for these deep reflections. I have been participating in no buy 2025, and I’m only buying necessities like groceries and cleaning supplies. Sometimes clothes are a necessity, but right now, for me, they aren’t. The truth is that, at age 67, I probably have enough clothes for the rest of my life. Thanks to you, Dacy, I’m happy with my wardrobe. So I’m just living with what I have.
Wow, this resonated deeply. I grew up in a fairly middle class/upper middle class household and even though my parents probably could have bought us nicer clothes, they were immigrants with zero safety net so prioritized saving money and travel. I grew up thinking that being “good” meant not wanting materials things. I’m so glad my parents taught me to care about others (I work in economic justice now) but the shame I’ve felt coveting nice things has stayed with me. Nowadays I find myself feeling like I have zero clue how much I should be spending and it makes me anxious.
I have one more day before my subscription ends. I wasn't going to comment as I've said goodbye (for now), but this piece is gorgeous in every way. The vulnerability moves me in ways that one wouldn't think an essay about clothes would, because it's more than just about clothes. It's about who we were and how we grew, how we express who we are in this moment, and mostly how we choose to value ourselves. I know it's scary sharing personal story, but as you see from these responses, the dialogue you started gives women permission to examine themselves and share their stories, which is what great writing does. Brava, Dacy.
Hi Dacy, like you I grew up in a family without much money, there were 5 of us kids and my dad died when I was 8. My mum kept everything together on a widows benefit and cash cleaning jobs. One highlight clothes-wise was the big bags of clothes we got (delivered ? something to do with a organisation for single parents who sent birthday cards to kids/ took bus loads of us out for a big Xmas party). Those bags were a treasure trove when I was 10! And the other thing was us kids playing dress ups in mums old clothes and shoes that she never wore/ she had some fab 70s floor length slinky numbers ! But then overwhelmingly at my all-girls high school, I wanted to fit in. We wore a uniform but on the days ‘mufti days’ we could wear anything. Agonising!
Later on in the late 80s when I was working part time then at uni, I became an avid thrifter - we call them opportunity shops in NZ. So many beautifully made dresses and coats and hats from the 50s-70s, & I added doc Martin boots to the look (a British institution - went mainstream after being a punk look). I discovered a love of really good quality things from op shops that specialised in vintage, I think. These days most op shops just have fast fashion which look like rags second hand. And I have the income to buy beautifully made things. So I do! My bigger body recently means my sister got all my fitted outfits, she’s happy and I have a whole new wardrobe - a small work one and a bigger and much more colourful and quirky play one !
I've been thinking about this post since I read it yesterday. I think about how willingly I spend money for the kids -- on their clothing, experiences, road trip slushies, but then I feel guilty when I buy a dress I've been eyeing for months when it is on sale. I never felt poor growing up, but I knew that Dr. Martens weren't accessible for new school shoes. As an adult, I bought a pair that I could afford and felt like "I've made it." Also being comfortable with the idea that I might be able to own "nice" or "expensive" clothing and shoes. Then how maybe sometimes I like something that isn't expensive. I receive the same number of compliments on a $30 blazer as the $300 one my MIL bought me (the fact that she bought this for me full price and then makes her son shop the sale rack is a WHOLE thing). It's so much to think about. Thankful and excited for this series!
Really excited for the rest of this series! It is vulnerable to share money origins but it is so helpful to hear about. My girlfriends and I started to do this a few years ago and it like opened me up to how important it is to examine this part of our lives-- there is so much shame around it! Fascinating to hear your perspective on clothes shopping and growing up, I have problems on the other end of the spectrum and come from a family where shopping was the only thing we could all connect on and liked to do together.
that's amazing that you and your friends do that! definitely not the norm.
yeah! my one friend was reading books about money and was like ‘i’d love to just be able to talk about this openly and my stress around it’ and so we decided to try and talk about it and we all found it really eye opening
I can relate, I'm also 47 and grew up with parents that didn't make a lot of money. I grew up in Atlanta though, where thrifting was cool by the time I hit high school and, at least in my microcosm, the blonde sorority girl southern stereotype was not what was cool. What did blow my mind was moving out of state to go to college at FSU where I encountered tan white girls with money who didn't shop at Value Village or think thrifting was cool. That was a culture shock for the ages.
Cutoffs, tights and mary janes = staple outfit for me too!!
that's like the reverse of my experience! 🤣
Just realized I used "cool" about three times too many in this comment. Forgive my lack of creativity
I definitely resonate with this. My grandmother was also very stylish and willing to purchase clothes for me that my mother would not, either because of cost or disagreements about what was "appropriate." I was an awkward teen so I often chose quirky over stylish which resulted in so much teasing that even now I hesitate to buy anything that stands out from what everyone else is wearing. I am working on that because my heart wants quirky.
I found it very healing to start dressing how I would have wanted to as a teen if I had permission/$$
aw! that's good awareness! baby steps
I think I want that mid-80s checkered moto blazer?!
This was a wonderful piece.
thanks JA 😘
This is such a heartfelt and honest piece, Dacy! I am definitely in the camp you describe at the end— less likely to buy clothes for myself than others, spend more freely on my kid than on myself. I found my shopping/the joy I used to get even from just looking (RIP loehmans) really diminished once I grew into my adult plus size body (perhaps not coincidentally, that was also the transition to spending my own money rather than my parents’). Once I wasn’t able to try a lot on in person, the motivation to shop/buy slowly but surely morphed. In some ways I think it’s good that I’m far less inclined to see buying clothes as a fun thing to do, but I do miss it sometimes too!
that makes a lot of sense! i'd be interested to see if you just started peeking at things online, whether it might feel fun again.
Wow Dacy this is huge. The financial aspect of clothing myself definitely brings up a lot of fears, including fear of scarcity... that somehow I won't have enough. I am more likely to wait for sales and buy three pairs of pants in colors I don't really want than to buy a pair at the beginning of the season when the color I like is full price. I can remember during a time after my parents divorced when we were all really struggling financially... my Mom went shopping to an outlet mall and brought home seven blazers that had been on sale. Seven identical blazers, one in each color. I guess having multiples made her feel better than purchasing one better quality garment. As I get older I realize that I am definitely subject to the same impulses. It's a bizarre balancing line between "I don't deserve what I really want" and "I deserve to have extras since I don't get what I really want". Neither one is working terribly well for me... there are a lot of sad feelings here, and for me the overlap with many other aspects of life. Thank you for sharing your story.
it is such a hard line! so many layers.
Thank you for this beautiful piece! I love understanding people’s money stories. I also grew up with a bit of scarcity and it triggered the opposite behavior (can def compulsively buy too much to feel reassured I have the “right” things!), which is fascinating… so many parallels with diet culture too. So much to think about, thank you!
Yeah, I know it can go either way! Definitely feel like I just scratched the surface here. 😘
I loved this, Dacy! I so enjoy these personal posts about you, your life, your background. Related so much to so many parts of this. Appreciate your openness and vulnerability.
I'm so glad, Kim! There's always the fear of seeming too self involved.
Agreed! But I never get that vibe from you.
I co-sign this whole thread and the whole piece! <3
This was such a great post to read. Thank you for sharing your relationship to where our spending habits come from. I never thought about it as it pertains to my clothing and style. Recently I felt like I splurged when I had a work trip and felt like I needed to level up my style since it’s changed a lot in the 8 months since I went to a big work event. I felt guilty spending money on myself and something that still feels like it’s evolving (isn’t it always?!).
yes, excited to hear more today 😍
Thanks for these deep reflections. I have been participating in no buy 2025, and I’m only buying necessities like groceries and cleaning supplies. Sometimes clothes are a necessity, but right now, for me, they aren’t. The truth is that, at age 67, I probably have enough clothes for the rest of my life. Thanks to you, Dacy, I’m happy with my wardrobe. So I’m just living with what I have.
That's amazing, Dana! It really is about evaluating your situation and needs honestly, which you've done.
Wow, Dacy, thanks for sharing this! I love hearing about people’s history with money and spending!
me too!!
Wow, this resonated deeply. I grew up in a fairly middle class/upper middle class household and even though my parents probably could have bought us nicer clothes, they were immigrants with zero safety net so prioritized saving money and travel. I grew up thinking that being “good” meant not wanting materials things. I’m so glad my parents taught me to care about others (I work in economic justice now) but the shame I’ve felt coveting nice things has stayed with me. Nowadays I find myself feeling like I have zero clue how much I should be spending and it makes me anxious.
Yes, that’s how I felt/feel too!
Thanks for this one, Dacy: It really resonated. And I love that this is a two-part topic and I can't wait for the rest on Thursday.
I'm so glad 😘