in the middle of it
I’ve been feeling really great for months. Parenting has gotten easier1, I’m loving my new wardrobe, and I feel better in my body than I did a year ago2.
And still, without any warning, seemingly without any events prompting it, my depression came back. About two weeks ago. So hard to admit. So embarrassing. So hard to try to act like a human in a house full of people when you’d rather just stay in bed and watch old seasons of Master Chef all day.
Yes, parenting has gotten easier, but that doesn’t mean that my kids don’t try my patience every day. Especially around 8pm when they decide that bedtime is the time to wrestle, fight, and generally run like crazy people around the house (seriously, why? I don’t understand it). I lose it, I feel terrible, rinse and repeat. My body feels better, but I’m having a lot of SI joint pain that is causing me to have to take a break from Pilates, the one movement I don’t hate. My clothes feel good, but I still freak out when there’s an event that I don’t feel like I have the exact perfect thing for. Then when I don’t get to go to the event because we can’t find childcare, I have major fomo anyway. The weather is beautiful right now, these few weeks of fall, along with a couple of weeks in the spring, are the highlights of midwest weather, but they also mean that winter is coming. Winter is dark and cold and full of SAD3.
Before you say so, I know I don’t need to be embarrassed. I know that everyone yells at their kids sometimes. I know that I need to rest my body when it’s telling me there’s something wrong. I have a supportive family, a therapist, I’m on medication, I’m getting sleep, it will pass, it will all be fine. Just acknowledging being in the middle of it right now.
P.S. Just for fun, TikToks that made me actually LOL recently: blood, sisters, dancing in public spaces, responses to men on the street, and babies (not) eating broccoli. Enjoy :)
I think we’re in a sweet spot of parenting, and I’m appreciating it for however long it lasts. The kids can get themselves in and out of the car. There are no more diapers to change. They generally sleep through the night. They no longer need my full attention and physical proximity every minute. I can actually do something in a different room and they won’t die. On Saturday mornings, we let them watch tv for several hours so they don’t bother us and we can have a nice relaxing morning. It gets better, y’all (at least until it changes again).
A year ago, my body had recently changed and I was uncomfortable. I thought about it often, I didn’t love how my clothes fit, I didn’t feel good. Nothing has changed about my body, just that time has passed, and I’ve adjusted.
After 16 years in western WA, where come November, it's dark by 4pm- seasonal affective disorder on top of parenting and a lifelong dance with depression is no joke. I feel this. Embracing the concept of hygge has helped some- I bought $200 worth of beeswax tapers and light them every single night at dinner religiously. However, I also feel like for me depression is related to grief and so embracing grief rituals, attending communal grief rituals, building an alter to my ancestors, and in general embracing the dark damp season as much as possible has helped some alongside things like therapy.
There is something potent about how thorough you are with this. Your self-awareness, self-knowing, ability to look at all the things…it’s so helpful to witness another person doing this. This was not modeled for me and it took me a while to figure out how important it is in helping my struggling self. Thank you for sharing all of what’s going on with you.