style ama: how can I get over guilt from needing to buy new clothes due to weight changes?

I am no stranger to guilt. I feel guilty when I ask for help. I feel guilty when I cancel plans. I feel guilty that I’m not an active member of the PTA. I feel guilty when I charge for the work I do. I feel guilty that this Substack piece isn’t going to be as long and researched and intellectual as other writers’. 

It makes so much sense that you’d feel guilt in this situation. The same culture that teaches us we need new things all the time to be on trend tells us that our clothes should be “timeless” and that we’re letting ourselves go if they no longer fit. 

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash

Brené Brown says that guilt is a feeling that you’ve done something wrong (whereas shame is the feeling that you *are* wrong). You’ve done nothing wrong here. Despite what we’ve been conditioned to think, bodies are meant to change. 

Bodies are constantly changing. Our bodies change as kids. Our bodies change as we go through puberty. Our bodies change as we try different lifestyles. Our bodies change as we meet new people. Our bodies change as we have children or try to have children or don’t have children. Our bodies change as we get sick. Our bodies change as we age. Our bodies change through life circumstances we didn’t know we were going to have to live through. Is there ever a time in a human woman’s life when her body is *not* changing? 

It is normal to go through all of these changes. What’s not normal is expecting things to stay the same. 

We don’t punish children or pregnant women or people who’ve lost weight by making them wear clothes that don’t fit. Why is it ok to deny yourself a basic human need because your body has also changed? 

I have a few other questions for you: 

How does it feel when you wear clothes that are too small? 

How does it feel when you open your closet and are met with the sight of clothes that don’t fit? 

What are the effects of those feelings?

I can’t answer for you, so I’ll answer for myself. When my clothes are too small, I feel restricted. Every moment of every hour that I’m wearing something that’s too small, I’m forced to be conscious of my body. I’m constantly being pulled out of the present moment because of discomfort. I’m more irritable with others because I’m physically uncomfortable. 

When I open my closet and am reminded that the clothes hanging there will bring me the aforementioned discomfort, I feel defeated. I feel frustrated and confused about why I can’t find something to wear. I feel grief about the clothes that I love that I can no longer wear. I feel bad about myself. 

The effects of all of those feelings are that my day starts out on a negative note. That negativity goes far beyond my clothes and carries through to many areas of my life. I feel like I can’t do anything right and like it’s not even worth trying (this is 100% just me and my catastrophizing brain here, I really hope yours doesn’t go so far). 

When I feel bad about myself, I’m not able to help anyone else. I’m not able to act on my values because the guilt is draining all of my energy.  Sometimes I’m not even able to make good decisions because my decision making abilities have been exhausted by the simple act of trying to put on clothes.

I know that the thought of having to buy new clothes is daunting. I know that sizing is a nightmare and that financial resources might be scarce. But buying new clothes is one of the only physical and tangible actions you can take that moves you closer to body acceptance. It’s a signal to your body that you trust it and will take care of it no matter what. 

If your body has changed and you deny yourself clothes that fit, you can either go naked or wear clothes that are too small and experience all of the above. Which do you choose?