Susan, I have been thinking the same thing: "If I just do ____, my body will go back to ____." But that just isn't going to happen because I refuse to restrict my eating or diet any longer, and some of those clothes were from pre-pandemic Weight Watchers Jess. I need to move on and go through my closet, keeping only the things that fit now and make me happy. It will make choosing what to wear so much easier and improve my spirits!
Yes, I had to come to that realization - if I'm choosing not to try to change my body, that means my body will stay different and I won't be able to wear those clothes.
You know, Jess, I'm so proud of you for giving up dieting and restricting as a solution! I gave that all up last year and it really changed everything. I wonder, however, if it really takes a diet for a body get smaller, or if it takes over-eating for a body to get bigger. Maybe we need to disconnect food from size? Anyway I'm working on not concerning myself with the size of my clothes, but the size of the energy that they help me express.
"I feel grief about the clothes that I love that I can no longer wear. I feel bad about myself." - This is a big part of it for me. I really like a lot of my clothes and it's sad to let some of them go!
oh yes please! A year ago I got rid of (ashamed to say how many) boxes of clothes that no longer fit. It took me years to work up to the reality that they were unlikely to ever fit again. Many of them were handmade and were really "me" in a way nothing off the rack could ever be. And they represented old selves that faded or that never really came to be (clothes for presentations, for being professional, for going out... none of which I do much of any more). Working through the grief is tough. Would love to read what you have to say about this.
Over the past few years I have been feeling a lot of the guilt the question writer mentions. Lots and lots of feeling bad about myself and my body and being angry that somehow willpower and deprivation aren't enough to overcome aging and genetics. Getting dressed in the morning was an exercise in despair, and it caused so much grief. On top of that I ladled messaging that I "should" make my own new clothes, since I know how and off the rack has never fit me well anyway. Surprise, replacing an entire wardrobe is more than I can handle with a full-time job and other responsibilities. More guilt.
At long last this summer I allowed myself to accumulate enough larger clothes that I could get through a week without struggle. The RELIEF to my psyche was huge. HUGE! Removing that fraught episode from every morning made an enormous difference in my daily outlook. And removed a bunch of intermittent worry throughout the day. Only one data point, but I really believe that having clothes you don't have to struggle with is worth it for the mental relief, even aside from how much better you will look and feel. jmho.
"I really believe that having clothes you don't have to struggle with is worth it for the mental relief, even aside from how much better you will look and feel"
I could not agree more! And I've collected many many data points from clients over the years and they all feel the same.
Thanks for this, in particular: “...somehow willpower and deprivation aren't enough to overcome aging and genetics.” I’m 65, and my body has changed drastically over the past 8-10 years, since menopause. I look...well, like my mother and aunts and grandmothers. I’m trying to accept that my belly is a life preserver (read that somewhere). What I have noticed is that the day will come when, like my mother and grandmother, the weight will fall off me effortlessly. When that happens, I won’t be thrilled and proud, as they were, I’ll just know that the end is coming. Till then, I try to embrace my rolls!
THIS "What I have noticed is that the day will come when, like my mother and grandmother, the weight will fall off me effortlessly. When that happens, I won’t be thrilled and proud, as they were, I’ll just know that the end is coming." oof.
I can completely relate to the relief you describe. Once I also allowed myself to do this, not only did it eliminate the fraught episodes of despair as item after item was tried on and piled on the bed in search of something to wear for the day, but I also quit focusing on my body all day long. The quickest path to distraction and a bad mood for me is an ill fitting blouse or pair of jeans that I've squished myself into thinking I can "get by". I will hyper-focus on the discomfort and go down that "should" path you mention until the moment I take it off and put on something that fits comfortably.
Sure, feel free to share! You may use my first name (Carrie) but please don't use my last name or other info if you have it in your subscriber database. Thank you for asking!
You know, I don't think men struggle with this at all. They just loosen a notch in their belt or buy something else.
I also don't think they care if they have tons of clothes that don't fit hanging around, or if they do it's about cost and not about grieving the size they once were!
Oct 11, 2023·edited Oct 12, 2023Liked by Dacy Gillespie
My dad was a fashion plate (as was mom). When he could no longer walk, mom would park the car in front of his favorite shop window, go inside, choose things for him to see, hold them at the window, and he would decide what to add to his wardrobe. They did this every week for years. In retrospect, both shared an addiction to shopping which gave them the reputation of best dressed in their circle of family and friends. My cousins still talk about their fashion sense decades after their deaths.
I know multiple men who have issues with their own weight and appearance. One is my father who probably has an eating disorder. There’s plenty of men who are interested in clothes and ideas of youthfulness.
I just love your work, Dacy. Keep bringing it and keep reminding us all that how we choose to cloth ourselves is a reflection of how we can choose to show up in life. I know I've refused to buy more stylish or comfortable clothing because I've felt a larger body was something to keep hidden until I've wrangled myself into a more social acceptable size. Once I gave up dieting and decided to just show up as imperfect with all my flaws hanging out, I started to have a whole lot more fun just being me!
Whew! I'm about to frame this and hang it in my closet. And in my kitchen. And in my office. And in my bedroom. Thank you for this answer, and thank you to whomever asked the question.
Oct 11, 2023·edited Oct 12, 2023Liked by Dacy Gillespie
Thinking about all of your shares, I reflected on my experience of my body. What hits most is my change in shape. My stomach is softer and rounder at 65 than it was a decade ago. My thighs have lost muscle mass and are wrinkly. My arms flap and my breasts are tubular. Each purchase I made reflected these changes. In summer I limited myself to Bermuda shorts but was defiant about my arms and let them flap sleeveless in the wind. It felt like a political statement. That statement did not extend to my stomach however. I was angry at designers for the crop top trend. Why would I want my saggy belly exposed? Your conversations force me to realize that comfort for me remains how comfortable I feel with how I present to the world. I'm still guilty of trying not to offend the eyes of others, particularly those of cis women who I prejudicially assume are most attuned to fashion. (And who my ego believes must be as interested as I am in what other women wear.) Whew, lots of work on self perception to unpack.
I wrote a text to a friend this week about my body changing and how I had this really old idea of how I “should stay the same size”. It is so refreshing to talk about these things and it seems like so many of us are thinking about it, living it, and now sharing and writing about it. Thank you Dacy for another really important pice of writing. Your newsletter is helping me so much.
I'm so glad! When you think about it, it's crazy that that is the message and also that we haven't really ever identified that message as a culture in any clear way.
Oct 10, 2023·edited Oct 10, 2023Liked by Dacy Gillespie
This conversation interests me from a slightly different angle. Two years ago I began revamping my wardrobe which, for the most part I have completed. I continue to add pieces, but more intentionally than early on, more with capsule wardrobe in mind. That said, everything I purchased was a size larger than what my body calls for. I told myself that my preference is for clothes that only minimally touch me (strange justification), but the reality is that I wanted wiggle room should my weight fluctuate. I assumed that my body would change and I didn't wish to have to unload a whole relatively expensive wardrobe to Goodwill as I had done previously. Recently I recognized this behavior as unhealthy for so many reasons yet still purchased a pair of slacks a size too large and rather than return, took them to tailor to hem making it impossible to return for a smaller waist size. Has anyone else found themselves shopping for a future size in anticipation of change?
I am not sure this is the same but I have recently been wondering about fit. It is difficult to look at myself objectively, but sometimes when I read sewing forums I see people striving for what I personally would consider overfitting on myself. Then I look at what I'm wearing and realize the waist of my pants is around my hipbones--I deliberately buy things large enough to fall down, because I hate having tight cinched things around my waist. So... kind of? In my case it's partly not knowing when menopause weight gain will stop, but also I have a lot of daily/weekly fluctuations in size. I've always been prone to stomachaches and I got in the habit long ago of not wanting anything tight around my middle because I never know when one will strike. I think, objectively, if someone were to look at me and my clothes, they would come to the conclusion I wear clothes that are too big. But I'm not really sure?
I am living with exactly these feelings. I *need* new clothes but neither trust my body nor know how to dress it, so I end up settling for crappily made fast fashion that fits but ends up rotting in my closet because I hate it. It's so frustrating, and I need out of this place!
start slow. i know it feels urgent, but better to take your time and buy things you like than stuff you won't wear. it's hard, be gentle with yourself.
I made a Pinterest board to define my style after taking your lil' $47 course and feel like I have some pieces I know I want to buy, including a denim shirt (Universal Standard, check ✅), a striped breton, and an easy full-length trouser.
My search for a camel coat and trench are the slow starts — I need to get the right ones.
Thank you for that resource, and this encouragement.
I think there’s an interesting class intersection and double standard. While I agree that we as a society are far more forgiving of people buying clothes because they’ve lost weight, we still tend to find any excuse to blame poor people for doing life wrong and that includes buying anything for any reason. If the person is poor and fat and changes sizes, it’s worse to increase size, but there’s always the eternal goalpost shifting that they didn’t lose enough weight to ‘deserve’ new clothes yet. It’s awful especially since we shouldn’t have pressure to change our bodies and some weight loss is unintentional but fat people are always assumed to want it rather than being asked if they’re ok or dealing with illness, grief, etc. or people just minding their own business. Thank you for focusing on weight increases too since that’s counter-cultural!
Oct 13, 2023·edited Oct 13, 2023Liked by Dacy Gillespie
Amy, your post touches me for a couple of reasons, but the main one is that no one assumes that weight loss is anything other than a good thing. Two years ago I managed to lose a considerable amount of weight. I was and remain grateful that unlike many people I was able to do it, but the reason was that I'd been diagnosed with genetic heart failure and knew that my weight worked against me. I got a tremendous amount of praise from everyone in my life for the loss except my cardiologists who knew why I'd done it and were sad because of the necessity. When I countered mourning with shopping, that too was praised. Oh the beautiful clothes, how well I looked. But I was terminally ill. That part got glossed over by everyone. Maybe they just couldn't handle my reality and so focused on the superficial, but oh, it would have been nice that instead of someone saying they liked my style, they asked "So how are you, really?"
Absolutely agree that poor people are judged far more harshly for how they spend money than wealthy people. And the idea that losing weight can sometimes mean serious illness has helped me reframe the idea that weight loss is always a positive. ❤️
Thank you Dacy! This is so true I’m going to purge my closet. I keep thinking my body will go back to.....instead of my body will move forward
Yes! Your body isn't meant to go back in time!
Susan, I have been thinking the same thing: "If I just do ____, my body will go back to ____." But that just isn't going to happen because I refuse to restrict my eating or diet any longer, and some of those clothes were from pre-pandemic Weight Watchers Jess. I need to move on and go through my closet, keeping only the things that fit now and make me happy. It will make choosing what to wear so much easier and improve my spirits!
Yes, I had to come to that realization - if I'm choosing not to try to change my body, that means my body will stay different and I won't be able to wear those clothes.
You know, Jess, I'm so proud of you for giving up dieting and restricting as a solution! I gave that all up last year and it really changed everything. I wonder, however, if it really takes a diet for a body get smaller, or if it takes over-eating for a body to get bigger. Maybe we need to disconnect food from size? Anyway I'm working on not concerning myself with the size of my clothes, but the size of the energy that they help me express.
Yes !!!!!!
So true!
"I feel grief about the clothes that I love that I can no longer wear. I feel bad about myself." - This is a big part of it for me. I really like a lot of my clothes and it's sad to let some of them go!
I think we don't acknowlege the grief enough. Maybe there's more for me to write about there...
oh yes please! A year ago I got rid of (ashamed to say how many) boxes of clothes that no longer fit. It took me years to work up to the reality that they were unlikely to ever fit again. Many of them were handmade and were really "me" in a way nothing off the rack could ever be. And they represented old selves that faded or that never really came to be (clothes for presentations, for being professional, for going out... none of which I do much of any more). Working through the grief is tough. Would love to read what you have to say about this.
👍
This is beautiful, Carrie.
Thank you!
Over the past few years I have been feeling a lot of the guilt the question writer mentions. Lots and lots of feeling bad about myself and my body and being angry that somehow willpower and deprivation aren't enough to overcome aging and genetics. Getting dressed in the morning was an exercise in despair, and it caused so much grief. On top of that I ladled messaging that I "should" make my own new clothes, since I know how and off the rack has never fit me well anyway. Surprise, replacing an entire wardrobe is more than I can handle with a full-time job and other responsibilities. More guilt.
At long last this summer I allowed myself to accumulate enough larger clothes that I could get through a week without struggle. The RELIEF to my psyche was huge. HUGE! Removing that fraught episode from every morning made an enormous difference in my daily outlook. And removed a bunch of intermittent worry throughout the day. Only one data point, but I really believe that having clothes you don't have to struggle with is worth it for the mental relief, even aside from how much better you will look and feel. jmho.
"I really believe that having clothes you don't have to struggle with is worth it for the mental relief, even aside from how much better you will look and feel"
I could not agree more! And I've collected many many data points from clients over the years and they all feel the same.
Thanks for this, in particular: “...somehow willpower and deprivation aren't enough to overcome aging and genetics.” I’m 65, and my body has changed drastically over the past 8-10 years, since menopause. I look...well, like my mother and aunts and grandmothers. I’m trying to accept that my belly is a life preserver (read that somewhere). What I have noticed is that the day will come when, like my mother and grandmother, the weight will fall off me effortlessly. When that happens, I won’t be thrilled and proud, as they were, I’ll just know that the end is coming. Till then, I try to embrace my rolls!
THIS "What I have noticed is that the day will come when, like my mother and grandmother, the weight will fall off me effortlessly. When that happens, I won’t be thrilled and proud, as they were, I’ll just know that the end is coming." oof.
Connie, do you mind if I share this quote from your comment on social media? I can use your name or not, whichever you prefer
Not at all! I’d be honored!
And you can certainly use “Connie C” :)
thanks connie!
I can completely relate to the relief you describe. Once I also allowed myself to do this, not only did it eliminate the fraught episodes of despair as item after item was tried on and piled on the bed in search of something to wear for the day, but I also quit focusing on my body all day long. The quickest path to distraction and a bad mood for me is an ill fitting blouse or pair of jeans that I've squished myself into thinking I can "get by". I will hyper-focus on the discomfort and go down that "should" path you mention until the moment I take it off and put on something that fits comfortably.
Carrie, do you mind if I share this quote from your comment on social media? I can use your name or not, whichever you prefer
Sure, feel free to share! You may use my first name (Carrie) but please don't use my last name or other info if you have it in your subscriber database. Thank you for asking!
absolutely, thank you!
You know, I don't think men struggle with this at all. They just loosen a notch in their belt or buy something else.
I also don't think they care if they have tons of clothes that don't fit hanging around, or if they do it's about cost and not about grieving the size they once were!
My dad was a fashion plate (as was mom). When he could no longer walk, mom would park the car in front of his favorite shop window, go inside, choose things for him to see, hold them at the window, and he would decide what to add to his wardrobe. They did this every week for years. In retrospect, both shared an addiction to shopping which gave them the reputation of best dressed in their circle of family and friends. My cousins still talk about their fashion sense decades after their deaths.
I know multiple men who have issues with their own weight and appearance. One is my father who probably has an eating disorder. There’s plenty of men who are interested in clothes and ideas of youthfulness.
I just love your work, Dacy. Keep bringing it and keep reminding us all that how we choose to cloth ourselves is a reflection of how we can choose to show up in life. I know I've refused to buy more stylish or comfortable clothing because I've felt a larger body was something to keep hidden until I've wrangled myself into a more social acceptable size. Once I gave up dieting and decided to just show up as imperfect with all my flaws hanging out, I started to have a whole lot more fun just being me!
yes! this exactly. Well I am not there yet, but I am having much more fun when I forget about what size I used to be.
thanks for being here, Lorie ❤️
Whew! I'm about to frame this and hang it in my closet. And in my kitchen. And in my office. And in my bedroom. Thank you for this answer, and thank you to whomever asked the question.
Do it 😍
Thinking about all of your shares, I reflected on my experience of my body. What hits most is my change in shape. My stomach is softer and rounder at 65 than it was a decade ago. My thighs have lost muscle mass and are wrinkly. My arms flap and my breasts are tubular. Each purchase I made reflected these changes. In summer I limited myself to Bermuda shorts but was defiant about my arms and let them flap sleeveless in the wind. It felt like a political statement. That statement did not extend to my stomach however. I was angry at designers for the crop top trend. Why would I want my saggy belly exposed? Your conversations force me to realize that comfort for me remains how comfortable I feel with how I present to the world. I'm still guilty of trying not to offend the eyes of others, particularly those of cis women who I prejudicially assume are most attuned to fashion. (And who my ego believes must be as interested as I am in what other women wear.) Whew, lots of work on self perception to unpack.
I wrote a text to a friend this week about my body changing and how I had this really old idea of how I “should stay the same size”. It is so refreshing to talk about these things and it seems like so many of us are thinking about it, living it, and now sharing and writing about it. Thank you Dacy for another really important pice of writing. Your newsletter is helping me so much.
I'm so glad! When you think about it, it's crazy that that is the message and also that we haven't really ever identified that message as a culture in any clear way.
This conversation interests me from a slightly different angle. Two years ago I began revamping my wardrobe which, for the most part I have completed. I continue to add pieces, but more intentionally than early on, more with capsule wardrobe in mind. That said, everything I purchased was a size larger than what my body calls for. I told myself that my preference is for clothes that only minimally touch me (strange justification), but the reality is that I wanted wiggle room should my weight fluctuate. I assumed that my body would change and I didn't wish to have to unload a whole relatively expensive wardrobe to Goodwill as I had done previously. Recently I recognized this behavior as unhealthy for so many reasons yet still purchased a pair of slacks a size too large and rather than return, took them to tailor to hem making it impossible to return for a smaller waist size. Has anyone else found themselves shopping for a future size in anticipation of change?
I am not sure this is the same but I have recently been wondering about fit. It is difficult to look at myself objectively, but sometimes when I read sewing forums I see people striving for what I personally would consider overfitting on myself. Then I look at what I'm wearing and realize the waist of my pants is around my hipbones--I deliberately buy things large enough to fall down, because I hate having tight cinched things around my waist. So... kind of? In my case it's partly not knowing when menopause weight gain will stop, but also I have a lot of daily/weekly fluctuations in size. I've always been prone to stomachaches and I got in the habit long ago of not wanting anything tight around my middle because I never know when one will strike. I think, objectively, if someone were to look at me and my clothes, they would come to the conclusion I wear clothes that are too big. But I'm not really sure?
I think both of you get to decide how you want your clothes to fit.
Thank you Carrie. What you shared is very similar. I feel better about my choices having read your post.
Thank you SO much for this! I need to read this daily.
I'm so glad it helps.
I am living with exactly these feelings. I *need* new clothes but neither trust my body nor know how to dress it, so I end up settling for crappily made fast fashion that fits but ends up rotting in my closet because I hate it. It's so frustrating, and I need out of this place!
start slow. i know it feels urgent, but better to take your time and buy things you like than stuff you won't wear. it's hard, be gentle with yourself.
I made a Pinterest board to define my style after taking your lil' $47 course and feel like I have some pieces I know I want to buy, including a denim shirt (Universal Standard, check ✅), a striped breton, and an easy full-length trouser.
My search for a camel coat and trench are the slow starts — I need to get the right ones.
Thank you for that resource, and this encouragement.
(P.S. Here's my Pinterest, not that you're in any way required to peek: https://www.pinterest.com/paigeworthy/dacy-gillespie-aesthetic-fallwinter-2023/)
That's exactly the place to start! Good job with starting a shopping list, and the pinterest board looks awesome!
I think there’s an interesting class intersection and double standard. While I agree that we as a society are far more forgiving of people buying clothes because they’ve lost weight, we still tend to find any excuse to blame poor people for doing life wrong and that includes buying anything for any reason. If the person is poor and fat and changes sizes, it’s worse to increase size, but there’s always the eternal goalpost shifting that they didn’t lose enough weight to ‘deserve’ new clothes yet. It’s awful especially since we shouldn’t have pressure to change our bodies and some weight loss is unintentional but fat people are always assumed to want it rather than being asked if they’re ok or dealing with illness, grief, etc. or people just minding their own business. Thank you for focusing on weight increases too since that’s counter-cultural!
Amy, your post touches me for a couple of reasons, but the main one is that no one assumes that weight loss is anything other than a good thing. Two years ago I managed to lose a considerable amount of weight. I was and remain grateful that unlike many people I was able to do it, but the reason was that I'd been diagnosed with genetic heart failure and knew that my weight worked against me. I got a tremendous amount of praise from everyone in my life for the loss except my cardiologists who knew why I'd done it and were sad because of the necessity. When I countered mourning with shopping, that too was praised. Oh the beautiful clothes, how well I looked. But I was terminally ill. That part got glossed over by everyone. Maybe they just couldn't handle my reality and so focused on the superficial, but oh, it would have been nice that instead of someone saying they liked my style, they asked "So how are you, really?"
Absolutely agree that poor people are judged far more harshly for how they spend money than wealthy people. And the idea that losing weight can sometimes mean serious illness has helped me reframe the idea that weight loss is always a positive. ❤️