We have all been taught or conditioned to think certain things are unflattering. Naming those things is an important piece of rejecting them on the path of learning what *we* actually want to wear.
Here are a few I remember from high school and young adulthood:
You need to have a defined waist.
If you wear something oversized on top, you must balance it with something slim on bottom and vice versa.
Heels make you sexier
You should try and hide all the parts of you that didn’t match up with the ideal body.
If you are “pear-shaped”, you should try to balance out your bottom half with lighter colors on top or extra details.
Of extra concern to me - your belly can never be bigger than your bust.
I know there are so many more. What were the ones you absorbed? Have you been able to let go of any of them? I’ve let go of the defined waist and heels, but sticking working on some of the others.
Also, I find it fascinating and awesome that Gen Z is doing away with so many of these. I see lots of people on TikTok wearing things like a flowy skirt with an oversized jacket (😱 not balancing the silhouette), baggy jeans with sneakers and an oversized top, come to think of it, sneakers with anything and everything, instead of hiding non-ideal-standard-of-beauty body parts, flaunting them…what have you noticed?
P.S. quick reminder that discussion threads will become a paid subscriber benefit starting next week!
When I think of “flattering” clothes, I mostly think of the physical discomfort (and sometimes outright pain) of “flattering” clothing that I just thought was ...normal? For YEARS?
For me, that was: padded push-up bras and then later, scratchy lace bras (for boob enhancement); low-rise jeans cutting into my hips, always leaving a little strip of cold waist AND ensuring I spent the day lightly sucking in my stomach; thongs (comfortable for some; all-day mild discomfort for me) to minimize VPL; constrictive heels to hide my “ugly” feet and improve my leg shape...as long as something allegedly “flattered” my body, I didn’t even consider how it actually felt to wear.
I think I got used to the constant physical discomfort to the point where I didn’t notice it anymore. Or more accurately, I just thought that was how it felt to have a body.
Once I started paying attention to the physical sensations of my clothing and dressing more for comfort, it was life-changing. I realized how draining it is to wear something painful; now I feel like have more energy throughout the day. I can no longer IMAGINE wearing something distractingly uncomfortable to “flatter” my appearance. It’s wild how much I’ve changed.
Oh also -- in case anyone is still struggling with this: whenever I’m trying on new clothes (or something I haven’t worn in a while) I find it helpful to close my eyes and relax my body before I even glance in the mirror. That helps me focus on how my clothes feel first, rather than jumping straight to analyzing my appearance.
I love this idea of connecting to how the clothes FEEL on your body before judging their appearance. This will be a game changer for me!! Thank you for sharing it. 🙏🏼
I love this! I’ve recently been noticing how comfy clothes make me so much less irritable at the end of the day, too - I’m not a grouchy monster if I’ve been wearing soft pants.
I came of age in the era of low rise jeans, so avoiding a muffin top at all costs haunted me through high school and college. Also no one must ever suspect you have nipples and your boobs must appear round or teardrop shaped in all shirts. I also wore a LOT of fit and flare dresses to hide my stomach and hips being pear-shaped.
I don't really remember any specific rules (in addition to the ones above), but I clearly remember as a child my mum telling me and my sister that it "hurts to be beautiful"......took many years of therapy and distance to unlearn that one!
at some point I was conditioned to believe that as an adult, if I wear leggings I must wear a top that covers my butt. Perhaps this was a professionalism standard I internalized? I also definitely internalized the message that underwear lines must be invisible (I gave up on that a long time ago) as well as all of the ones you mention above!
Always covering up most of your body/skin no matter the weather as a fat person because showing things like arms with “cellulite” or thick thighs is “unsightly” even if it’s 80+ degrees outside
Yes, I remember the stripes one, and in general if you inhabit a bigger body you can't wear bold patterns because god forbid you draw attention to yourself -- you should constantly be trying to hide your existence.
What I’m conscious of right now are societal rules about aging. Don’t age! Don’t let your hair be grey (which is weird since I see younger people deliberately coloring theirs grey), changes to face are bad (loss of collagen, effects of gravity). It’s a style issue for sure based on celebrities’ medical cosmetic procedures. I got tired of coloring my hair every 3 weeks and at 50 I had my shoulder length hair cut off into a super short pixie to get rid of as much color as possible…no stripe for me! It grew out a beautiful white.
What I’m most interested in and what I find it most helpful to focus on re: aging is what I can DO and how I FEEL in my body. Of course I care what I look like, but it’s not helpful to me to focus on what I look like. I think you promote doing and feeling in your style guidance. 👍 My 40s was my most fit decade, I was doing really well and feeling great (which reflected in appearance no matter what I wore). 50s is menopause and a pandemic for me with health issues that brought low energy and sedentary lifestyle. Crawling my way out! …Medical care can be a bedrock of style…
I agree that it's not helpful to prioritize what you look like to others over how you feel - just a gentle reminder that some people's abilities to do and their ability to feel good in their body will be more limited than others, and of course they are no less valuable as humans.
The father of my children hated it when I would flat sandals with straps and a buckle. He called them “nun on vacation sandals” and urged me too wear heeled cork sole wedges so my calves would be more shapely.
To add to the pear body messaging I definitely was fed- bootcut/flare jeans were the "answer" to us so they could "balance" us out. I also feel like I got a strong message about not showing too much shape, because being "too" "sexy" or "alluring" was also unflattering. Like yes- no tight and tight, or no loose and loose- always walk the line of classy NEVER "slutty." I have a very vivid memory of standing in my driveway in high school wearing my new favorite long linen blue skirt and my mom telling me to put a slip on underneath b/c my skirt was too clingy and showed my curves- it was literally a loose and long to the ankles drawstring skirt! I also believed in HS I didn't have the "right" legs so I rarely wore shorts and I grew up in the SOUTH! It's nice to be 41 and letting go/embracing ME more. I now wear shorts whenever I want. BUT also there is so much ageism to what is "flattering." Like you get to a certain age you are no longer allowed to wear certain items. For the first time in my life I bought a string bikini, b/c I accept my thick thighes, postpartum belly, etc. AND b/c the suit was simple, comfortable, and affordable- no underwires, no high waist pinching my saggy belly; if I had my druthers I'd go to the lake or beach nude, but alas, I live in the United States where our puritanical protestant roots about bodies and how they comply, runs deep.
Please do explore ageism! I love a shorter top, bikini, leggings paired with a blocky sweatshirt that hits at the hips and doesn’t cover the butt, but I am 47 and the second I look in the mirror to evaluate the outfit, I hear “who do you think you are? You are not a 20 year-old and for God’s sake, your stretch marks are showing.”
Maybe the biggest thing that sticks with me from growing up is the horrible fashion police voice that told me “you are wearing clothing to conceal who you really are because who you are is not okay.” That voice has had a lot of time to workshop her message. 😖
Oh wow, so much here!! I want you to give yourself permission to dress however you want because how even does a 20-year old dress?? We want to look at these things outside of age. And hold crap, that hits it all right there, “you are wearing clothing to conceal who you really are because who you are is not okay.” !!! Let me know if I have your permission to make that into a graphic bc that says it all.
This!!!! I was in my 30s before I realized exactly how impossible the standards my mom and grandma lived by are to follow. You must be attractive and dressed well, but also must not look sexy or like you’re trying too hard. There is a tiny lane in which one must stay to be acceptable. How exhausting!! And boring!!
Horizontal stripes will make you look wider than you are, black is slimming, don't wear bright colors or patterns on areas you're trying to hide as they will draw the eye right to those areas, no short skirts or crop tops once you're 30 (or ever if you aren't super skinny), high heels make you look taller and improve your posture, no tea-length dresses if you are short because it makes you look squat, and this is just off the top of my head.
I'm a work in progress as far as letting go of some of these and some of the ones you mentioned above. I stopped wearing my heeled boots during the pandemic and haven't really ever returned, because I work from home and am embracing more supportive, comfortable shoes. However, I tried a few crop tops on at Target and just am not yet comfortable.
As a thin, white woman who largely meets our society’s standards of attractive, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how my rules around flattery are actually part of oppressing other people (and myself as a disabled woman). I have very olive skin and was convinced I couldn’t wear yellow or light green. I now see how deeply rooted in racism this standard is. Those colors highlight the yellow tones of my skin instead of the pink tones. Once it struck me how racist this idea is, I let it go. Like others have commented, tons of performing thinness by hiding my tummy or “balancing” my body. I have psoriasis and I used to worry a lot about hiding it. Now I’m working on just letting it be visible.
On a lighter note, I remember very funny ideas about small patterns at the bust to make breasts look bigger (thanks teen mags!). I was obsessed with my breasts looking bigger but also not showing too much of them. Now, after breastfeeding a toddler, the idea that I was ever so precious about my boobs is very funny to me! I’m only a little over a year out from several years when my only thoughts about breasts were how easily they could be accessed--first shooting for easy access, then trying to keep a 2yo from showing them to the whole playground without warning 😅
Hide your belly because it's not flat! My best friend encouraged me to buy a crop top that I had accidentally tried on when I just grabbed a shirt to go w shorts, and I have never looked back! Crop tops are my fav ❤️
A What Not to Wear classic: You should wear a lot of blazers or jackets to disguise a round tummy from the side view (and generally, your tummy should never look round and you should perform thinness always). Tan France made the blazer suggestion on one of the new episodes of Queer Eye and I was mad!
This is a huge one and I have yet to meet a woman who doesn't turn sideways immediately upon trying something on. :( I always say, "we're not 2D", which I took from an IG sewist. We're 3D we have organs and shit in there!
Sometimes he can be right on, and then it just comes out — the word flattering, the “you’re not fat look at you from the side!,” the blazer coverup, etc. Being kind and warm doesn’t mean you are not also anti-fat.
Appropriate colors for your own coloring have always felt like a rule. There are some colors like yellow that seem fun but they’re a no-go with my skin tone 😑 I know that people still get their colors done to see what colors are the most flattering. 🤷🏻♀️
Oh god I am definitely unlearning this one still! My mom and (much older) sisters had their colors done when I was little and they *still* bring that shit up when we're looking at clothes, "oh that's X's color" or "that's not your color" 🙄
We had family pictures last weekend and my SIL was so mad my mil chose black as one of the main colors because she NEVER wears black it’s not her color. And that really confused me. How do you never wear black??
Ah thank you! The videos of « color specialists » showing off the « bad color » then the « good color » make me feel like I’m going crazy because I either see NO difference at all and/or like better the « bad » color on the person🤪🤷♀️
So much of this list and the comments resonate with me. My big thing that I finally tossed a few years ago were Spanx. I was told to always wear them with any dress/skirt. I even sometimes wore them under jeans. Then started getting into their “smoothing” tank tops etc…. So liberating to throw them all away!
I am 4’11” and most of the women in my family are short as well so I remember a lot of discussion about elongating as well as not “overwhelming our frame” with bold prints or looser clothing. Shoes had to add some height.
Yes i dont remember myself caring but heard a lot, that short people cant wear wide leg pants. I love wide legs so I always remember wearing them but i guess that thought still pervades my mind when i do so it counts as something "believed"
You have me running through the rules we had in high school about what we were allowed to wear and not wear. Not allowed to wear spaghetti strap shirts, no bra straps could be showing with tank tops, our skirts had to be longer than the length of our arms. Now I’m looking back at the principals that enforced these rules when we walked into school and they were almost all men 🤔. These weren’t necessarily guidelines about “flattering” clothes but the bra strap thing is so deeply rooted in my brain.
A lot of ‘flattering’ is actually about ‘flattening’. Your stomach, your big boobs, your VPL, any other lumps and bumps.
I’m struggling at the moment because I’m feeling drawn to the style of my youth which is mostly pants but I have a big belly and skinny legs so pants are not ‘flattering/flattening’.
I specifically remember my grandma being nasty toward my mom when she wore a lime green t-shirt around the house saying she was too fat to wear that color. So I internalized... if you're fat, wear black.
I was born in the early '50s to a diet-obsessed mother, so I have heard all of these before. Thanks to many wonderful people online like Dacy, I've managed to erase almost all of this crap from my mind. (I still would like to have a defined waist in my next life.) The thing that's discouraging though is that these "rules" still are being disseminated. Last week, on YouTube, I watched a video about dressing an apple-shaped body, (which I shouldn't have wasted my time on, right?) and the woman said that you should wear "nude" shoes to elongate your leg. I have short legs, and the color of my shoes aren't going to fool anyone into thinking I have long legs! And if someone cares about that, they are nobody I need to waste my time with!
It really is discouraging...not only that it's being disseminated but that there are still so many people willing to be indoctrinated - it's not their fault, it's just the water we swim in, right?
My mom always told me that I had thin ankles and big calves so I should never wear socks that cover my ankles. And the crazy thing is I still follow this rule. I can't seem to break it and I am 52 years old!
I was always told I had to wear dark jeans because they’re more flattering! And I love light jeans but have such a hard time wearing and buying them because it’s so internalized!
Oh gosh. So many that were already quoted below (that I sadly internalized, repeated to peers + doled out in my articles / books writing about fashion 😬). Came of age at the height of Allure / InStyle mags scrutinizing celebrity outfits and that left an indelible mark, as well as those « dressing for your age » issues. Other than flattering I felt that I learnt from a very young age that everything had to make me look « f*ckable » so heels, make up, « no pain no gain »… I don’t remember growing up someone telling me that I did not have to look feminine, that I did not have to work hard to please the male gaze… Can’t remember one magazine or adult telling me that I could prioritize comfort and that my love of tomboyish, comfy, fun outfits was okay… Also lots of hearing older women saying that someone that did not care about hair / makeup / aging etc was « letting herself go » (as opposed to she’s comfortable in her own skin). The big one I’m still fighting is no VPL - to this day I have to look at myself in the mirror to see if it’s showing 🙃I have a friend who told me she never checks her behind to see if her pants are making a diaper butt, or her butt look good and that is 🤯to me. I wish to get there one day (boy did growing up in the age of low rise jeans did a number on us)…
Oh also one boyfriend who kept saying that flats made my feet look like « boats » and as a result for years convinced myself I was not a size 10 and wore shoes a size too small 🤪
As an older millennial, I internalized SO MANY fashion rules about what was “flattering”. All of the teen mags (actually, all of the mags and tv and movies and . . . ) featured very thin, tall, waif-like bodies. I was short, muscular, somewhat curvy, with thick thighs that made jeans shopping nearly impossible. Everything that was the right length on me was too small and tight (because all short people must also be skinny, right?) and anything that fit my body was too long or the proportions were way off. I subsequently bought a million pairs of bootleg/flared dark denim and black pants and wore the highest heels I could stand so the hem wouldn’t drag on the floor. I felt like all of the “flattering” rules contradicted each other when I tried to apply them to my body: i.e., wear shorts to make your legs looks longer, but don’t wear shorts if your legs are “thicker.” Consequently, I endured ~20 Texas summers wearing jeans or leggings to avoid exposing my legs. I also wore shoes with a platform or heel for the better part of 20 years until I had 2 foot surgeries- now I only wear orthotic sneakers.
I’m 41 and still unlearning the “black is the most flattering color” rule and questioning if I really need 10 pairs of black leggings- to be fair, I pretty much live in athleisure wear. And while I still have much more privilege than those in more marginalized bodies, being petite and small fat does make shopping a lot more challenging. I worry a lot less about what is flattering because I frankly don’t really care anymore, but I also don’t have as many options.
Since coming across your work and attempting to get in touch with my style post-baby, I’ve been unpacking my love of wearing black. I wear black often and feel most ‘at home’ in it. It’s my go-to color when buying something new. But I’m starting to wonder... do I love wearing black because it innately makes me feel powerful and mysterious, witchy even (I’m a Scorpio after all!) OR because I’ve bought into the idea that black makes me look smaller and hides all my ‘unsightly’ bumps and that’s what I like about it? I wonder if it can be both and that’s ok...
That's a sneaky one. I also love black and i'd say it's maybe 80/20 just really love how it looks/subconsciously somehow like how it makes my body look...?
When I think of “flattering” clothes, I mostly think of the physical discomfort (and sometimes outright pain) of “flattering” clothing that I just thought was ...normal? For YEARS?
For me, that was: padded push-up bras and then later, scratchy lace bras (for boob enhancement); low-rise jeans cutting into my hips, always leaving a little strip of cold waist AND ensuring I spent the day lightly sucking in my stomach; thongs (comfortable for some; all-day mild discomfort for me) to minimize VPL; constrictive heels to hide my “ugly” feet and improve my leg shape...as long as something allegedly “flattered” my body, I didn’t even consider how it actually felt to wear.
I think I got used to the constant physical discomfort to the point where I didn’t notice it anymore. Or more accurately, I just thought that was how it felt to have a body.
Once I started paying attention to the physical sensations of my clothing and dressing more for comfort, it was life-changing. I realized how draining it is to wear something painful; now I feel like have more energy throughout the day. I can no longer IMAGINE wearing something distractingly uncomfortable to “flatter” my appearance. It’s wild how much I’ve changed.
Oh also -- in case anyone is still struggling with this: whenever I’m trying on new clothes (or something I haven’t worn in a while) I find it helpful to close my eyes and relax my body before I even glance in the mirror. That helps me focus on how my clothes feel first, rather than jumping straight to analyzing my appearance.
I love this idea of connecting to how the clothes FEEL on your body before judging their appearance. This will be a game changer for me!! Thank you for sharing it. 🙏🏼
yes to this! I try on clothes clear across the room from my mirror now, and focus on how the clothing feels for the first few breaths.
I love this! I’ve recently been noticing how comfy clothes make me so much less irritable at the end of the day, too - I’m not a grouchy monster if I’ve been wearing soft pants.
Isn’t it wild?! In the words of my brother: “I thought I was furious at everyone and then I realized it was just ill-fitting pants.”
👏👏👏
Could not agree more 👏
It IS wild! Love how you wrote about all of this.
You’re so right about VPL - heaven forbid everybody around you wearing underwear knows you are also wearing underwear!
Really good points! The sensory distraction from wearing uncomfortable clothes was a huge issue for me too. I say no more to that too :)
I came of age in the era of low rise jeans, so avoiding a muffin top at all costs haunted me through high school and college. Also no one must ever suspect you have nipples and your boobs must appear round or teardrop shaped in all shirts. I also wore a LOT of fit and flare dresses to hide my stomach and hips being pear-shaped.
SUCH a good one, don't let anyone know that you have nipples, or that you wear a bra, or underwear. None of that can ever show!
I had somehow forgotten about the imperative to wear a thong to avoid VPL!
Right??! 🫠
the hold “the t-shirt bra” had on us
(like, fair enough to want something seamless, but this term as a branding move seems so strange to me now!) I need a what now?!?
😫
Yes! The Victoria Secret shaped breast! Still trying to unlearn that one.
A few I remember from my childhood:
Tall women can't wear wedges or heels unless they're very thin and model-pretty
The necessity of the "mom" swimsuit -- belly hidden, full coverage, usually a skirt attached to cover cellulite
Needing to wear a padded bra to compensate for small breasts
& most sadly for childhood me, the limits on colors that look "good" on redheads
Ooh I left out that one about padded bras. I wore padded push-up bras for YEARS.
I don't really remember any specific rules (in addition to the ones above), but I clearly remember as a child my mum telling me and my sister that it "hurts to be beautiful"......took many years of therapy and distance to unlearn that one!
My mother and aunt would say “it is better to look good than to feel good”.
oof...
I certainly upheld that one myself to myself for a long time.
at some point I was conditioned to believe that as an adult, if I wear leggings I must wear a top that covers my butt. Perhaps this was a professionalism standard I internalized? I also definitely internalized the message that underwear lines must be invisible (I gave up on that a long time ago) as well as all of the ones you mention above!
Had this discussion with my early 20s daughter yesterday. I still feel like I have to! She's like "No you don't." Maybe I should reconsider.
Listen to the kids!!! 💪
Let’s let our butts show in leggings! With VPL! GASP 😉
Yes! Both of these were things I followed religiously until the pandemic.
Always covering up most of your body/skin no matter the weather as a fat person because showing things like arms with “cellulite” or thick thighs is “unsightly” even if it’s 80+ degrees outside
Yup.
a lot of stuff about stripes--that horizontal stripes may you look wider, I think?
all the horizontal stripe hate. I still struggle with buying horizontal stripes for myself, despite liking how they look.
I can hear my mom's voice in my head any time I even look at a horizontal stripe! 😂
🙄🙄🙄
Yes, I remember the stripes one, and in general if you inhabit a bigger body you can't wear bold patterns because god forbid you draw attention to yourself -- you should constantly be trying to hide your existence.
💯💯💯
What I’m conscious of right now are societal rules about aging. Don’t age! Don’t let your hair be grey (which is weird since I see younger people deliberately coloring theirs grey), changes to face are bad (loss of collagen, effects of gravity). It’s a style issue for sure based on celebrities’ medical cosmetic procedures. I got tired of coloring my hair every 3 weeks and at 50 I had my shoulder length hair cut off into a super short pixie to get rid of as much color as possible…no stripe for me! It grew out a beautiful white.
The restraints put around aging "gracefully" are a LOT and I want to talk about this soon.
What I’m most interested in and what I find it most helpful to focus on re: aging is what I can DO and how I FEEL in my body. Of course I care what I look like, but it’s not helpful to me to focus on what I look like. I think you promote doing and feeling in your style guidance. 👍 My 40s was my most fit decade, I was doing really well and feeling great (which reflected in appearance no matter what I wore). 50s is menopause and a pandemic for me with health issues that brought low energy and sedentary lifestyle. Crawling my way out! …Medical care can be a bedrock of style…
I agree that it's not helpful to prioritize what you look like to others over how you feel - just a gentle reminder that some people's abilities to do and their ability to feel good in their body will be more limited than others, and of course they are no less valuable as humans.
Absolutely! I was speaking from my own lived experience, which currently includes multiple injuries and chronic health conditions.
The father of my children hated it when I would flat sandals with straps and a buckle. He called them “nun on vacation sandals” and urged me too wear heeled cork sole wedges so my calves would be more shapely.
Oof. Yes let’s be uncomfortable for the sake of shapely calves 🙄
Yes, uncomfortable plus in danger of an ankle twist! Comfort and risk don’t matter as long as you look sexy to the world.
To add to the pear body messaging I definitely was fed- bootcut/flare jeans were the "answer" to us so they could "balance" us out. I also feel like I got a strong message about not showing too much shape, because being "too" "sexy" or "alluring" was also unflattering. Like yes- no tight and tight, or no loose and loose- always walk the line of classy NEVER "slutty." I have a very vivid memory of standing in my driveway in high school wearing my new favorite long linen blue skirt and my mom telling me to put a slip on underneath b/c my skirt was too clingy and showed my curves- it was literally a loose and long to the ankles drawstring skirt! I also believed in HS I didn't have the "right" legs so I rarely wore shorts and I grew up in the SOUTH! It's nice to be 41 and letting go/embracing ME more. I now wear shorts whenever I want. BUT also there is so much ageism to what is "flattering." Like you get to a certain age you are no longer allowed to wear certain items. For the first time in my life I bought a string bikini, b/c I accept my thick thighes, postpartum belly, etc. AND b/c the suit was simple, comfortable, and affordable- no underwires, no high waist pinching my saggy belly; if I had my druthers I'd go to the lake or beach nude, but alas, I live in the United States where our puritanical protestant roots about bodies and how they comply, runs deep.
Ugh, so many things to be concerned about! And I really want to explore this aspect of ageism in fashion very soon…
Please do explore ageism! I love a shorter top, bikini, leggings paired with a blocky sweatshirt that hits at the hips and doesn’t cover the butt, but I am 47 and the second I look in the mirror to evaluate the outfit, I hear “who do you think you are? You are not a 20 year-old and for God’s sake, your stretch marks are showing.”
Maybe the biggest thing that sticks with me from growing up is the horrible fashion police voice that told me “you are wearing clothing to conceal who you really are because who you are is not okay.” That voice has had a lot of time to workshop her message. 😖
Oh wow, so much here!! I want you to give yourself permission to dress however you want because how even does a 20-year old dress?? We want to look at these things outside of age. And hold crap, that hits it all right there, “you are wearing clothing to conceal who you really are because who you are is not okay.” !!! Let me know if I have your permission to make that into a graphic bc that says it all.
Of course, of course! Permission granted 🤩.
This!!!! I was in my 30s before I realized exactly how impossible the standards my mom and grandma lived by are to follow. You must be attractive and dressed well, but also must not look sexy or like you’re trying too hard. There is a tiny lane in which one must stay to be acceptable. How exhausting!! And boring!!
It’s a tiny lane for sure! Thankfully once I left the house my Mom stopped commenting on my clothes & body.
Horizontal stripes will make you look wider than you are, black is slimming, don't wear bright colors or patterns on areas you're trying to hide as they will draw the eye right to those areas, no short skirts or crop tops once you're 30 (or ever if you aren't super skinny), high heels make you look taller and improve your posture, no tea-length dresses if you are short because it makes you look squat, and this is just off the top of my head.
I'm a work in progress as far as letting go of some of these and some of the ones you mentioned above. I stopped wearing my heeled boots during the pandemic and haven't really ever returned, because I work from home and am embracing more supportive, comfortable shoes. However, I tried a few crop tops on at Target and just am not yet comfortable.
Gah, so many! Also totally a work in progress and a cropped top is ok as long as it doesn't show skin or fit too tightly.
Yes! The trend right now seems to be very tight crop tops and super-tight shirts has just never really been my jam.
same...
As a thin, white woman who largely meets our society’s standards of attractive, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how my rules around flattery are actually part of oppressing other people (and myself as a disabled woman). I have very olive skin and was convinced I couldn’t wear yellow or light green. I now see how deeply rooted in racism this standard is. Those colors highlight the yellow tones of my skin instead of the pink tones. Once it struck me how racist this idea is, I let it go. Like others have commented, tons of performing thinness by hiding my tummy or “balancing” my body. I have psoriasis and I used to worry a lot about hiding it. Now I’m working on just letting it be visible.
On a lighter note, I remember very funny ideas about small patterns at the bust to make breasts look bigger (thanks teen mags!). I was obsessed with my breasts looking bigger but also not showing too much of them. Now, after breastfeeding a toddler, the idea that I was ever so precious about my boobs is very funny to me! I’m only a little over a year out from several years when my only thoughts about breasts were how easily they could be accessed--first shooting for easy access, then trying to keep a 2yo from showing them to the whole playground without warning 😅
"my rules around flattery are actually part of oppressing other people" - this is true and so complex to break down. More about this next week.
Hide your belly because it's not flat! My best friend encouraged me to buy a crop top that I had accidentally tried on when I just grabbed a shirt to go w shorts, and I have never looked back! Crop tops are my fav ❤️
Nice!!!
A What Not to Wear classic: You should wear a lot of blazers or jackets to disguise a round tummy from the side view (and generally, your tummy should never look round and you should perform thinness always). Tan France made the blazer suggestion on one of the new episodes of Queer Eye and I was mad!
Yes, commentary on this season of queer eye coming soon 😡😡😡
I’ve watched just a few eps and so far my main thought is that you can’t positive self-talk yourself out of needing therapy!
Omg i always critique myself from the side 😭 why did people tell others to feel such disgust with themselves
This is a huge one and I have yet to meet a woman who doesn't turn sideways immediately upon trying something on. :( I always say, "we're not 2D", which I took from an IG sewist. We're 3D we have organs and shit in there!
Also jackets + long sleeves to hide arms after « a certain age »…
Oh boy yes! We need to discuss Tan as much as I find him delightful… I had the same reaction to the new episodes…
Sometimes he can be right on, and then it just comes out — the word flattering, the “you’re not fat look at you from the side!,” the blazer coverup, etc. Being kind and warm doesn’t mean you are not also anti-fat.
Well put
I was taught not to be "too distracting" — in any context. Finally let go of that one in my 40s.
Wow wow wow 😳
Appropriate colors for your own coloring have always felt like a rule. There are some colors like yellow that seem fun but they’re a no-go with my skin tone 😑 I know that people still get their colors done to see what colors are the most flattering. 🤷🏻♀️
Colors have suddenly become a popular thing to do around my office-- so confusing! I thought I worked in 2023, not the 80s!
Haha. Exactly! My sister was talking about ordering a kit to find out her colors 🫠
Oh god I am definitely unlearning this one still! My mom and (much older) sisters had their colors done when I was little and they *still* bring that shit up when we're looking at clothes, "oh that's X's color" or "that's not your color" 🙄
One of my major issues with the whole thing is -good luck finding your color if it’s not a currently on trend color bc no one’s gonna be producing it!
We had family pictures last weekend and my SIL was so mad my mil chose black as one of the main colors because she NEVER wears black it’s not her color. And that really confused me. How do you never wear black??
😂😂😂
Whenever i see those pictures I dont see any difference bw the colors🤷🏼♀️
This!! I swear I don't either and then, yay, one more thing to feel I'm failing at 😣
Ah thank you! The videos of « color specialists » showing off the « bad color » then the « good color » make me feel like I’m going crazy because I either see NO difference at all and/or like better the « bad » color on the person🤪🤷♀️
If you’re crazy then I am too and honestly we both are a little 🤪😍
So much of this list and the comments resonate with me. My big thing that I finally tossed a few years ago were Spanx. I was told to always wear them with any dress/skirt. I even sometimes wore them under jeans. Then started getting into their “smoothing” tank tops etc…. So liberating to throw them all away!
👏👏👏
I am 4’11” and most of the women in my family are short as well so I remember a lot of discussion about elongating as well as not “overwhelming our frame” with bold prints or looser clothing. Shoes had to add some height.
Yes I remember so many tips about this, like no cropped pants, nothing that “cuts you off”, etc
Yes i dont remember myself caring but heard a lot, that short people cant wear wide leg pants. I love wide legs so I always remember wearing them but i guess that thought still pervades my mind when i do so it counts as something "believed"
You have me running through the rules we had in high school about what we were allowed to wear and not wear. Not allowed to wear spaghetti strap shirts, no bra straps could be showing with tank tops, our skirts had to be longer than the length of our arms. Now I’m looking back at the principals that enforced these rules when we walked into school and they were almost all men 🤔. These weren’t necessarily guidelines about “flattering” clothes but the bra strap thing is so deeply rooted in my brain.
Yes, what a huge topic to think about - the policing of women's bodies by men - I guess all of this is about that when we break it down far enough...
A lot of ‘flattering’ is actually about ‘flattening’. Your stomach, your big boobs, your VPL, any other lumps and bumps.
I’m struggling at the moment because I’m feeling drawn to the style of my youth which is mostly pants but I have a big belly and skinny legs so pants are not ‘flattering/flattening’.
Yes!
I specifically remember my grandma being nasty toward my mom when she wore a lime green t-shirt around the house saying she was too fat to wear that color. So I internalized... if you're fat, wear black.
Yup, such a good one - black is flattering. And also, you should wear more color! 🙄
If you have large breasts, you must always wear an under wire bra.
Your nipples must be positioned halfway between your elbow and shoulder.
If your breasts aren't shaped like that, hike em up no matter how uncomfortable that may be.
I was born in the early '50s to a diet-obsessed mother, so I have heard all of these before. Thanks to many wonderful people online like Dacy, I've managed to erase almost all of this crap from my mind. (I still would like to have a defined waist in my next life.) The thing that's discouraging though is that these "rules" still are being disseminated. Last week, on YouTube, I watched a video about dressing an apple-shaped body, (which I shouldn't have wasted my time on, right?) and the woman said that you should wear "nude" shoes to elongate your leg. I have short legs, and the color of my shoes aren't going to fool anyone into thinking I have long legs! And if someone cares about that, they are nobody I need to waste my time with!
It really is discouraging...not only that it's being disseminated but that there are still so many people willing to be indoctrinated - it's not their fault, it's just the water we swim in, right?
My mom always told me that I had thin ankles and big calves so I should never wear socks that cover my ankles. And the crazy thing is I still follow this rule. I can't seem to break it and I am 52 years old!
Wild.
If you're short you must always wear heels. Including with jeans.
No Capri pants unless you're tall and thin.
No horizontal stripes unless you're tall and thin.
No panty lines, your bra must not show, but also don't let your nipples show through your bra.
yes to all of these!
I am very knock-kneed, so one rule I still struggle with (especially now that I am 40), is that all skirts should cover my knees.
Aw, this makes me sad for younger you 😢
I was always told I had to wear dark jeans because they’re more flattering! And I love light jeans but have such a hard time wearing and buying them because it’s so internalized!
another good one i forgot about!
SAME!! I also like the look of light jeans but have a hard time even trying them on because of this notion.
Oh gosh. So many that were already quoted below (that I sadly internalized, repeated to peers + doled out in my articles / books writing about fashion 😬). Came of age at the height of Allure / InStyle mags scrutinizing celebrity outfits and that left an indelible mark, as well as those « dressing for your age » issues. Other than flattering I felt that I learnt from a very young age that everything had to make me look « f*ckable » so heels, make up, « no pain no gain »… I don’t remember growing up someone telling me that I did not have to look feminine, that I did not have to work hard to please the male gaze… Can’t remember one magazine or adult telling me that I could prioritize comfort and that my love of tomboyish, comfy, fun outfits was okay… Also lots of hearing older women saying that someone that did not care about hair / makeup / aging etc was « letting herself go » (as opposed to she’s comfortable in her own skin). The big one I’m still fighting is no VPL - to this day I have to look at myself in the mirror to see if it’s showing 🙃I have a friend who told me she never checks her behind to see if her pants are making a diaper butt, or her butt look good and that is 🤯to me. I wish to get there one day (boy did growing up in the age of low rise jeans did a number on us)…
Ooh the picking apart of other women...
Oh also one boyfriend who kept saying that flats made my feet look like « boats » and as a result for years convinced myself I was not a size 10 and wore shoes a size too small 🤪
OH my god!!
As an older millennial, I internalized SO MANY fashion rules about what was “flattering”. All of the teen mags (actually, all of the mags and tv and movies and . . . ) featured very thin, tall, waif-like bodies. I was short, muscular, somewhat curvy, with thick thighs that made jeans shopping nearly impossible. Everything that was the right length on me was too small and tight (because all short people must also be skinny, right?) and anything that fit my body was too long or the proportions were way off. I subsequently bought a million pairs of bootleg/flared dark denim and black pants and wore the highest heels I could stand so the hem wouldn’t drag on the floor. I felt like all of the “flattering” rules contradicted each other when I tried to apply them to my body: i.e., wear shorts to make your legs looks longer, but don’t wear shorts if your legs are “thicker.” Consequently, I endured ~20 Texas summers wearing jeans or leggings to avoid exposing my legs. I also wore shoes with a platform or heel for the better part of 20 years until I had 2 foot surgeries- now I only wear orthotic sneakers.
I’m 41 and still unlearning the “black is the most flattering color” rule and questioning if I really need 10 pairs of black leggings- to be fair, I pretty much live in athleisure wear. And while I still have much more privilege than those in more marginalized bodies, being petite and small fat does make shopping a lot more challenging. I worry a lot less about what is flattering because I frankly don’t really care anymore, but I also don’t have as many options.
Me too!!!
Since coming across your work and attempting to get in touch with my style post-baby, I’ve been unpacking my love of wearing black. I wear black often and feel most ‘at home’ in it. It’s my go-to color when buying something new. But I’m starting to wonder... do I love wearing black because it innately makes me feel powerful and mysterious, witchy even (I’m a Scorpio after all!) OR because I’ve bought into the idea that black makes me look smaller and hides all my ‘unsightly’ bumps and that’s what I like about it? I wonder if it can be both and that’s ok...
That's a sneaky one. I also love black and i'd say it's maybe 80/20 just really love how it looks/subconsciously somehow like how it makes my body look...?