from the vault: bodies will keep changing
(originally posted on 2/19/20, editor’s notes in italics)
Society gives us the idea that bodies are meant to stay the same size all of our lives. What if that wasn’t true?
Bodies are constantly changing. Our bodies change as kids. Our bodies change as we go through puberty. Our bodies change as we try different lifestyles. Our bodies change as we meet new people. Our bodies change as we have children or try to have children or don’t have children. Our bodies change as we get sick. Our bodies change as we age. Our bodies change through life circumstances we didn’t know we were going to have to live through.
Actually, is there ever a time in a human woman’s life when her body is *not* changing?
It is normal to go through all of these changes. What’s not normal is expecting things to stay the same.
How much energy would we save if said, oh hi new change. I’m not crazy about you, but you’re here, and I’ll deal with you.
I just went through another one of these changes (obviously, this was 4 years ago!). It’s not enough that my body changed with my first pregnancy, and first time breastfeeding, and first time weaning. It stayed changed, it did not go back to its pre-childbearing self. From that point, it changed again with my second pregnancy, second round of breastfeeding, and second time weaning. The second weaning was the most recent change. It happened last fall. My tummy stayed bigger, my breasts got smaller, my whole body is the softest it’s ever been1. At first, I was not happy. It’s ok to not be happy. But I kept looking at it. The more I looked, the more I got used to its new form. I’m starting to accept it (still not quite there four years later). It’s doing a good job. It is not the same as it was when I was 17. That would be weird. Wouldn’t it?
I know what I’m suggesting is a big thing. I know it’s not something you just decide to be ok with and then are. Here are a few things that have helped me.
Think about yourself from the vantage point of your future self. When I look back at the angst I felt with my 17-year-old body, I laugh. What on earth was I thinking, to wish it was different? The same thing applies no matter your current age. In ten years, I’m going to look back and wish I had appreciated my 42 (now 46!)-year old body more. So I’ll try to now. (here’s proof. I remember feeling so uncomfortable in this body hugging turtleneck, and I don’t think I ever wore this outfit. This is a photo from the month I wrote this post, February 2020. We all know what came next. My body has never been this small again, and is currently multiple sizes larger than it was in this photo, when I was apparently so unhappy with it.)
You’re looking at your body and comparing it to a past version of itself. Remember, other people don’t see what you see, they just see what’s in front of them at this moment in time, the current version, which is just fine. (I’ve realized since this post that actually, I have the hardest time when I see people in my life who did know that past version of my body. So your mileage may also vary. 🤷🏻♀️)
Stop pointing out the things you’re not happy with. If someone gives you a compliment, bite back the words wanting to jump out of your mouth telling them just exactly where you don’t look good and just say thank you. The more you focus on something, the more of your attention it demands. Don’t give it any attention. Put your focus somewhere else.
Normalize, normalize, normalize. We think our bodies aren’t supposed to change because that’s the message we’ve gotten from magazines, movies, boyfriends, celebrities, and critical parents for years. We’ve just gotten another wave of this message in recent pop culture. Sure, it’s great that Jennifer Lopez and Shakira (this was the year that Shakira did the Super Bowl halftime show, remember that?) are 50 and look 25, but that’s not normal. Sorry, Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt, but you guys looking the same at recent awards shows as you did 20 years ago is not normal. We need to actively replace those messages with images and stories of the normality of bodies changing, and the changes being a natural thing, not a negative one.
Ok, I know, I hear you - but how do we actually dress a constantly changing body?2 Many garments we wear can stretch to fit our actual flesh instead of us squeezing our flesh into a predetermined shape. I’m a fan of what I call fluctuation-friendly garments, which mean that you can wear them at multiple different sizes. After all, some of our bodies change week to week. Also, there’s no shame in having two sizes of the same pair of pants. If that’s what your body needs, that’s what it needs!
I guess what I’m saying is that the only constant is change. After any sort of transitional phase in our lives, we feel like there will be some equilibrium we’ll reach when that phase is over. But what if there isn’t? What if we expect that we will, again, continue to change? How much less hard would we be on ourselves then?
acknowledging my thin privilege here.
I go into much more detail elsewhere about the “how” of it all.
I'm pleased that today's topic focuses on embracing our ever changing bodies. In my session with Dacy I revealed that I experienced four major body changes throughout these 65 years. The first in college when I was publicly shamed. The result was that I starved myself to malnutrition and was hospitalized. The second at 38 when medications forced dramatic weight gain and then dramatic weight loss. Third at 45 for reasons unknown, but probably perimenopausal when I restricted food in retaliation. Lastly at 60 when I spent 18 months abusing alcohol. I think my poor body, now at the comfortable resting weight I always returned to, is in a bit of shock following a lifetime of upheaval.
Last night when I showed my best friend my newly organized closets (they are so pretty), she responded, "You have a lot of clothes!" It wasn't a judgment. It was unadulterated shock. I responded "That's what happens when you're dying. You rebel against your body decaying by adorning it. It really was the only way I could cope." She wrote back, "I love that concept."
My body is mature. I have jowls and stretch marks, my belly is soft, breasts sag, thighs are wrinkly. Very wrinkly. This body carried me through massive traumas. It hasn't given up either emaciated or fat, properly nourished or suffering disordered eating, dying or embracing a medical miracle. It carries me. And for that I am grateful every time I look in the mirror and see Grandpa Doc looking back. I smile and refresh my lipstick.
I love the idea of normalizing change! Change isn't "wrong" or "bad", it's simply change. The other day I smiled in the work bathroom mirror and because of the combination of winter dry skin and harsh lighting I could see for the first time where my old lady cheek wrinkles will appear. They aren't visible now in most circumstances but I kinda went "huh, that's interesting" and went about my day giving thanks to my 15-year old self. Around that age I decided that if I was going to have lines in my face when I was older, I wanted them to be laugh lines, not scowl lines. I started practicing smiling and laughing--I had to practice, because life was miserable. Now I can look in the mirror though and think hooray former self, good choice.
Anyway--one thing I am working on in my sewing practice is designing clothes that will fluctuate with a size or two. I've developed some pants and shorts that have a flat front but elasticized back waist. I'm working on some dress ideas. Clothes should adjust to fit your body, not the other way around.