style stories: Virginia Sole-Smith
Trying to find your style in the shouting noise of influencers, fashion “experts”, and retailers can be hard. What is what you like and what is what you’ve been told to like? What is what you like and what is what you’ve been conditioned to think you have to wear because of your body? What barriers have prevented you from actually being able to put the aesthetic style you’re drawn to into practice?
The first session I do with any long term client is a combination style and body story session1. I want to hear from them what their relationship to clothes has been over the course of their life, what they loved to wear as a child, what others wanted them to wear, how messages about their body kept them from trying things they might like. It’s honestly my favorite part of the process. I love hearing about people’s lives.
Whenever I see a woman who looks at ease in her clothes, I want to know her story. I want to know how she got to that place. Combine that with my love for questionnaires2 and you get this new monthly Substack series: Style Stories.
I couldn’t see starting this series with anyone other than . She became a client after we connected on Instagram in 2021 (a bunch of my clients sent me the article below, I shared it on IG, we started a conversation, and the rest is history), and I now consider her a great friend. I also have to give her credit for the fact that I’m here on Substack and that a not insignificant percentage of my clients have somehow found me through her. Here we go!
Q: Introduce yourself, your work, and how you spend your time.
I'm Virginia Sole-Smith. I'm an author, journalist and podcaster. My most recent book is Fat Talk: Parenting in the Age of Diet Culture, and I spend most of my time writing the Burnt Toast newsletter and hosting the Burnt Toast Podcast. I also just launched a fun mini pod with my good friend Sara Petersen, called Cult Of Perfect. I clearly spend a lot of time working based on that list, but I'm also a mom to two daughters and I love to read, garden and do puzzles.
Q: What was your style like when you were a child?
Punky Brewster + Claudia Kishi. Lots of colors, wild prints, deliberate mismatching and yet also ruthless color coordination. Also a serious Blossom hat phase.
Q: Growing up, what messages were you given about what you should or shouldn’t wear (and from whom or where do you think those messages came)?
I think I felt pretty wild and free with my style until 4th or 5th grade. My parents were sort of amused by how creative and clothes-oriented I was, but they definitely didn't try to tamp it down other than my mom objecting to me trying to full-on be Madonna when I was about six. We moved at the start of 4th grade to a new town that was wealthier and preppier than where I'd lived before and that transition made me acutely aware of how much social status was attached to having the "right" kind of backpack, sneakers, etc. I kind of never had the right things. I sometimes had the almost-right things, and I sometimes rebelled and deliberately wore the wrong things, but I felt very aware of what I was supposed to be doing at all times. I started to get much more focused on planning outfits, and studying fashion magazines, trying to decode it all. That's when I definitely began dressing for other people much more than for myself.
Q: How has your style evolved since you were younger and what phases have you gone through with your style (i.e. high school grunge phase, early working days business casual phase, etc)?
So middle school and high school involved a lot of phases: The Angela Chase grunge experiment, the very preppy Gap and J. Crew years, Doc Martens and a homemade dress I made out of a pair of overalls and a lot of fabric scraps... I also spent a good portion of high school trying to dress as much as possible like a Jane Austen character. (Like no bonnets but empire waist dresses and I sewed my own reticules.)
Then I went to NYU for college, which was very overwhelming for lots of reasons but definitely because everyone seemed to once again, have figured out style in ways that I had not. These were the years of the Going Out Tops, low-rise jeans and kitten heels. And I would wear that to class, or to a magazine internship? I went right from college into women's magazines and guess what, yet again there was a vibe that everybody else seemed to be nailing that I could not (are we sensing a theme?) — this time because I was an editorial assistant making $27,000 a year and the vibe was "high end designer fashion." I was also still top end of straight sized, but definitely not model sized, and never model proportioned — so the clothes everyone at work wore didn't fit me.
I went freelance at age 25, and spent the first few years in a really disordered relationship with exercise that resulted in temporary legit thinness. I do remember how much easier it made clothes, even though everything else was worse because of it. Then my then-husband and I got married and moved out of the city. My 30s were kind of lost years, fashion-wise — my body changed A LOT as I got out of diet culture and had two kids and I had no idea how to dress it for a long time (plus my size was just perpetually changing). I wouldn't say I had a clear style then. It wasn't until the past few years — turning 40, working with you— that I've felt once again clear on what a Virginia Look is, let alone excited to wear it.
Q: How have external pressures to conform to the ideal standard of beauty and the thought of how others view you affected your style?
All of my social anxiety manifests in what I'm wearing and whether other people will like it. It's better now — I've done a lot of work on this. But it's still the narrative that runs through my head whenever I have to be in public in a big or small way. The way it shows up most often now is with color — I know I love to wear bright colors. But whenever I start to feel anxious about taking up space — whether that's literally in terms of some internalized anti-fatness, or metaphorically, like I'm working through imposter syndrome or just feeling like maybe I'm too much — I'll want to hide and wear black and neutrals. (I also do LIKE black and neutrals so sometimes it's hard to recognize when it's anxiety-driven versus truly liking the outfit...)
Q: How have your sense of style and shopping habits shifted along with changes in your body?
I cannot remember the last time I shopped in person. The stores near me don't carry my size, so it's just not an option unless I want to drive at least an hour, and even then, likely not find much that fits. Getting good at online shopping has taken practice (and yes, returns are still annoying!) but it has opened up so many worlds of possibility for me.
In terms of style, I think I still honor that inner Claudia Kishi with my pops of color — I love my statement glasses, I love a pink clog, I love a big dress. But I am a grownup now, and, I guess, forever a girl from Connecticut. So I love a slightly tailored look; I don't want to be slouchy all over. I like to feel polished. (There is certainly some Good Fatty stuff in here too.) I will always love stripes (especially black and white or navy and white), and I do enjoy a neutral, but now I have a better sense of how to style it up with some color in a way that feels like me.
Q: What barriers do you encounter in trying to express your style? Are there any situations or spaces you feel your style prohibits you from accessing or gives you better access to?
A: Honestly, I no longer experience the inability to shop in-person as a barrier because I also don't want to make time for that in my life right now. But it is strange to remember how recreational in-person shopping was once my biggest hobby (as a thin/child-free person). I don't see that ever coming back!
Otherwise, I mostly feel aware of my privilege — I am fat, but small fat, so I benefit from thin privilege quite a bit in terms of clothes accessibility. I also have financial privilege, so I can absorb the fat tax (even though I hate it). I feel like my style is welcome in most spaces, though there will often be the odd event that stumps me — I think that's as much about my own social anxiety as anything else though.
Q: Do you have any style icons? Who are they?
A: Audrey Hepburn, but it's complicated. IRL, I love Emma Straub, Angela Garbes, Lindy West, Marielle Elizabeth and my newsletter producer Corinne Fay — her style is very different from mine, but she always looks amazing and finds stuff that gets me to think very outside my usual boxes!
Q: How would you define your current relationship to clothes and style?
A: Happy! I still get anxious about it, but I know that anxiety is usually not really about the clothes. I get to wear a lot of things I love, and I love finding something new that works -- especially because that feels like such a win for fat fashion whenever it happens.
Q: What makes your style authentic to who you are today?
A: I prioritize comfort SO much more than I ever did before. Until I was 30, I didn't prioritize comfortable shoes at all, and until I was 40 (maybe 41), I was willing to sacrifice a lot of comfort in how clothes fit. It's actually wild to me now how uncomfortable I was willing to let myself be -- because I can also see how that limited my ability to be in my body in big ways. It's like I was always just a little bit punishing myself for my body not being what I thought it should be. Why?!
Q: Do you wear anything that’s conventionally considered unflattering?
A: Horizontal stripes forever!!!!!
Virginia, thank you so much for being the inaugural style story! Hope you all loved this story as much as I did. Stay tuned, some amazing guests are on deck. Consider upgrading your subscription to get Virginia’s clothing recommendations (below for paid subscribers) and to join the conversation.
Virginia Sole-Smith began her career in women’s magazines, alternatively challenging beauty standards and gender norms, and upholding diet culture through her health, nutrition and fitness reporting. She is a frequent contributor to the New York Times. Her work also appears in the New York Times Magazine, Scientific American, and many other publications. Virginia writes the newsletter Burnt Toast, where she explores fatphobia, diet culture, parenting and health, and also hosts the Burnt Toast Podcast. She lives in New York’s Hudson Valley with her two daughters, a cat, a dog, and way too many houseplants. Virginia’s latest book, Fat Talk: Parenting in the Age of Diet Culture, offers research-based strategies to help parents name and navigate the anti-fat bias that infiltrates our schools, doctor’s offices and family dinner tables.
Q: Just for fun, what are 3 things in your wardrobe you’d recommend to others (could be a specific item from a specific brand or just a type of item you find useful)?
(editor’s note: Virginia’s an overachiever 😉 so she gave us five) Target Plus Sizes are pretty good, so that's generally where I go when I want to impulse purchase something or try out a new-to-me trend without spending a lot of money on it. I've done their overalls, sweaters, big sundresses, denim dress, etc, etc.
A: Beyond Yoga joggers are my ultimate comfy pants.They come in excellent colors, so I'm having fun pairing them with neutral sweaters.
A good cute but comfy sneaker--I love my Vejas--is honestly so useful.
Gap Modern Tanks (I wear the XL, unfortunately only up to XXL) are such a great base layer. I put them under cardigans in the winter and wear them alone in the summer. I also sleep in them. Also love their boat neck t-shirts.
Universal Standard ponte pants are my go-to for “need to be dressier than leggings but can't stand the idea of jeans” occasions. I wear the black tons and also love the emerald green.
P.S. Many of the links shared here are affiliate links which means that the retailers pay me a commission at no cost to you.
I’m in the process of getting certified as a Body Trust provider. A huge part of the foundation of the Center for Body Trust’s work is sharing about and holding space for your body story. I’m not sure any of us could tell our body story without including clothing as a piece of our story. We all have a body story and we all have a style story.
Growing up, my mom had a Vanity Fair coffee table book that included famous people answering the Proust questionnaire. A major part of my work with my clients is the long intake questionnaire I send before we have our first meeting. Many clients have told me that just answering that questionnaire, before we’ve actually done any work together, was illuminating for them.
I love this! Looking forward to the series!
One thing about this substack, regardless of how excited I am about any particular post, I feel as if it gives me permission to write about clothes and my relationship with clothes and my body and the intersection between clothing the body I have and the societal structures that are committed to making me feel bad about it and... and... and... I adore the suffusion of motivation I get when I read a post and feel "yes! someone else thinks this is worth writing about! Other people have thoughts about getting dressed! Clothes matter!"
Enjoyed this so much and look forward to this series. I love clothes and am happy to be in online spaces where women like you and Virginia are grappling with things like fit, size, access, comfort, how to dress for our (changing) bodies and celebrating STYLE. Oh and I totally love the Proust Questionnaire but haven't read a VF in years so thank you for that!