After sharing Brianna Campos’s style story last week, I wanted to share this piece of writing from almost three years ago when I was working through some body grief of my own with her help.
I have always always always grieved my body — the result of having a physical disability that causes visible differences and significant impairments, and also carrying weight in my belly (which is in part because a square “barrel” chest/torso is a normal body shape for people with my bone disorder). My sister and mom were also always thin plus not disabled so I felt so different from them. I am working on acceptance for my body but it’s hard. And one thing I’m aware of is that when I look back at photos of myself 20/30/40 years ago, I think I looked great! And yet I also know I FELT just as wrong and imperfect back then as I sometimes do now. So I’m trying to use that as a gentle reminder that my perceptions of myself as too fat, too square, and not good enough are just wrong. They were wrong 20 years ago and they’re wrong now. I struggle most with seeing photos of myself now vs photos 20 years ago. I’m not sure what to do about that other than keep taking the photos and sharing them. After all, when I see photos of myself 20 years ago — when I was convinced I was too fat and too square — I think I look great. Trying to bring that same acceptance and appreciation to seeing current photos of myself.
That sounds so hard. And I don’t think anyone will ever get to full acceptance. I do try to remind myself that my self of 20 years into the future will be annoyed with my self of today for not being more grateful.
I am not feeling particularly sorrowful at this moment, but the past three years have held a lot of body grief and I doubt I am over it yet.
One of the things I am unpacking for myself is how as a cis-het woman I have always equated "possibility of a relationship" with "being thin". Somewhere I inherited the mindset that every pound I gained was another impediment to finding love. By the time I turned 50 and had to face the fact that I had long outgrown my wardrobe of cute clothes from grad school I was desolate, and convinced that my inability to have a relationship was because of my size. Conflating lovableness with thinness is all kinds of not great. It's a big duffle bag of wrinkled, contorted ideas that need to be unpacked and mostly discarded and replaced. Why do I want to be attractive to men? Why do I consider not having a relationship a failure? How can I be a feminist and still want romance and does that mean I have to lose weight? What are the actual real reasons my relationships aren't successful (because it's not weight, except ok for that one boyfriend that said "it's not you, it's just your body" oh and the other one who praised my flat stomach when I was working out FOUR hours a day to try to lose weight and...) Are we ever actually free of the male gaze? What if truly being me means I *am* unattractive to hetero men, am I ok with that? And so much more.
And realizing that in all of this I have straight white cis het straight-sized able bodied privilege. But no longer the privilege of youth, which is perhaps another grieving process.
I have no answers yet but one realization I've come to is that I do exercise a lot, and it is ok to spend money on clothes for working out! There is nothing wrong with wearing a cute coordinated skort and T to the gym, I don't have to hide in my oldest tattered clothes and pretend like I'm not really dedicated to moving my body. I deserve cute workout clothes even if they look different on me than on the models.
Oh Carrie! That makes so much sense - companionship is a human desire and we're always looking for explanations to make sense of our lives. I don't think being a feminist and also desiring a relationship are mutually exclusive and I doubt being free of the male gaze is possible in this lifetime in this era. But yay for getting cute workout clothes!
For what it’s worth, I loved this essay both today and the last time you ran it, and I have been fat my entire life (it resonates especially now as I am larger than ever as I have worked through disordered eating and exercising and also dealing with more disabilities.) I appreciate how sensitive you are to privilege and how you honor how complicated our relationships with our bodies can be because of the power that thin privilege holds in our society.
Being Gen X and coming of age during Kate Moss mania, I’m working through a lot of grief as I near 50. I did a drastic photo edit recently (physical + digital) and got rid of any past pictures that made me feel bad about my current body / face. Very cathartic. I also look out for shows with cool / inspiring older character actors with « real faces » to remind me that’s it’s normal for bodies / faces to change (Margo Martindale in « The Americans », lots of cool older faces with zero botox in « Silo » on apple+, bonus points for those shows being v good- mind you they are secondary characters, the main ones are v. thin and lineless, ha!)
That's so interesting about the photo edit. Glad it felt good. And good to know show recommendations! I actually have a Pinterest board with aging faces for the same reason.
Yesterday I posted a photo of me in Making Spaces sporting a hat that is on my shopping list. I took 10 snapshots before finding one to post. 10 because my face is gaunt and I look sick have dropped an enormous amount of weight in three days due to illness. I feel like I'm constantly running from body grief. Thank you for the post. I'm an outlier in the source of grief, but I'm feeling it nonetheless and this post helps.
Just wanted to chime in that Making Space this summer helped me SO MUCH in identifying (maybe even introducing the idea of?) my body grief. There’s so much to work through, and I feel like the group gave me this flowing undercurrent of strength while I’m slogging through it all.
I loved this the first time and I love it again now. I was going through something very similar then, and it’s taken me until very recently to feel like I am closer to acceptance than grief.
I have always always always grieved my body — the result of having a physical disability that causes visible differences and significant impairments, and also carrying weight in my belly (which is in part because a square “barrel” chest/torso is a normal body shape for people with my bone disorder). My sister and mom were also always thin plus not disabled so I felt so different from them. I am working on acceptance for my body but it’s hard. And one thing I’m aware of is that when I look back at photos of myself 20/30/40 years ago, I think I looked great! And yet I also know I FELT just as wrong and imperfect back then as I sometimes do now. So I’m trying to use that as a gentle reminder that my perceptions of myself as too fat, too square, and not good enough are just wrong. They were wrong 20 years ago and they’re wrong now. I struggle most with seeing photos of myself now vs photos 20 years ago. I’m not sure what to do about that other than keep taking the photos and sharing them. After all, when I see photos of myself 20 years ago — when I was convinced I was too fat and too square — I think I look great. Trying to bring that same acceptance and appreciation to seeing current photos of myself.
That sounds so hard. And I don’t think anyone will ever get to full acceptance. I do try to remind myself that my self of 20 years into the future will be annoyed with my self of today for not being more grateful.
Yes, that’s it exactly!
Also, I’m going to edit the post to add able-bodied into the privileges I hold, thank you for reminding me of that.
I am not feeling particularly sorrowful at this moment, but the past three years have held a lot of body grief and I doubt I am over it yet.
One of the things I am unpacking for myself is how as a cis-het woman I have always equated "possibility of a relationship" with "being thin". Somewhere I inherited the mindset that every pound I gained was another impediment to finding love. By the time I turned 50 and had to face the fact that I had long outgrown my wardrobe of cute clothes from grad school I was desolate, and convinced that my inability to have a relationship was because of my size. Conflating lovableness with thinness is all kinds of not great. It's a big duffle bag of wrinkled, contorted ideas that need to be unpacked and mostly discarded and replaced. Why do I want to be attractive to men? Why do I consider not having a relationship a failure? How can I be a feminist and still want romance and does that mean I have to lose weight? What are the actual real reasons my relationships aren't successful (because it's not weight, except ok for that one boyfriend that said "it's not you, it's just your body" oh and the other one who praised my flat stomach when I was working out FOUR hours a day to try to lose weight and...) Are we ever actually free of the male gaze? What if truly being me means I *am* unattractive to hetero men, am I ok with that? And so much more.
And realizing that in all of this I have straight white cis het straight-sized able bodied privilege. But no longer the privilege of youth, which is perhaps another grieving process.
I have no answers yet but one realization I've come to is that I do exercise a lot, and it is ok to spend money on clothes for working out! There is nothing wrong with wearing a cute coordinated skort and T to the gym, I don't have to hide in my oldest tattered clothes and pretend like I'm not really dedicated to moving my body. I deserve cute workout clothes even if they look different on me than on the models.
Oh Carrie! That makes so much sense - companionship is a human desire and we're always looking for explanations to make sense of our lives. I don't think being a feminist and also desiring a relationship are mutually exclusive and I doubt being free of the male gaze is possible in this lifetime in this era. But yay for getting cute workout clothes!
Oh, I meant to add that Bri is talking a LOT about dating while fat on her Instagram if you haven't seen it.
For what it’s worth, I loved this essay both today and the last time you ran it, and I have been fat my entire life (it resonates especially now as I am larger than ever as I have worked through disordered eating and exercising and also dealing with more disabilities.) I appreciate how sensitive you are to privilege and how you honor how complicated our relationships with our bodies can be because of the power that thin privilege holds in our society.
Laura, this means so much to me because I can tell you understand how hard I try to make sure no one feels unseen. Thank you ❤️
Being Gen X and coming of age during Kate Moss mania, I’m working through a lot of grief as I near 50. I did a drastic photo edit recently (physical + digital) and got rid of any past pictures that made me feel bad about my current body / face. Very cathartic. I also look out for shows with cool / inspiring older character actors with « real faces » to remind me that’s it’s normal for bodies / faces to change (Margo Martindale in « The Americans », lots of cool older faces with zero botox in « Silo » on apple+, bonus points for those shows being v good- mind you they are secondary characters, the main ones are v. thin and lineless, ha!)
That's so interesting about the photo edit. Glad it felt good. And good to know show recommendations! I actually have a Pinterest board with aging faces for the same reason.
Check out British television. Great for older women. "Vera" is the best!
Yesterday I posted a photo of me in Making Spaces sporting a hat that is on my shopping list. I took 10 snapshots before finding one to post. 10 because my face is gaunt and I look sick have dropped an enormous amount of weight in three days due to illness. I feel like I'm constantly running from body grief. Thank you for the post. I'm an outlier in the source of grief, but I'm feeling it nonetheless and this post helps.
There is body grief of all kinds I think ❤️
Just wanted to chime in that Making Space this summer helped me SO MUCH in identifying (maybe even introducing the idea of?) my body grief. There’s so much to work through, and I feel like the group gave me this flowing undercurrent of strength while I’m slogging through it all.
That is so incredibly lovely, Rachel. I’m so glad you are a part of it. ❤️
I loved this the first time and I love it again now. I was going through something very similar then, and it’s taken me until very recently to feel like I am closer to acceptance than grief.
Thanks Meg. And pretty much same.
OH this is so beautiful! thank you for sharing. Honored to seat in your grief with you.