Style AMA: on dressing to look "good"
For this first Style AMA, I decided to just bite the bullet and go with the hardest question that was asked:
“I'm not sure how to dress myself/feel good about what I'm wearing if it doesn't seem to showcase my body in some way. Like I don't know how to view myself as looking ‘good’ or happy with how I appear, if it's not in some way related to some basic conceptions of what society says is good. Is it okay that I wear a tight fitting top that accentuates my breasts if it's only just for me? Am I capable of doing it only for me or is that secret internalized patriarchy?”
Such a tough question and so hard to untangle what is societal norms and what is personal preference. There are a few different ways to approach it.
First of all, we have to acknowlege the privilege inherent in being able to wear something you like, for any reason, and not being discriminated against for it. This is something I have to keep reminding myself of over and over (see more here).
One way to try to sort it out is to have a clear sense of what your personal style is. If you collected an assortment of images that you resonate with (not based on your body shape or size), would the items pictured be closely fitted to the body? Would they be tailored to and skimming the shape of the body? Would they be loose, flowy, or architectural and not conforming to the shape of the body at all? (Keep in mind that you may have different preferences for how clothes fit to your body based on different occasions.) For instance, my style pretty clearly consists of items that are not fitted to the body. Therefore, if I’m wearing something that *is* fitted to the body, it’s a pretty good sign that I’m doing that for someone else.
Another way to consider your choice is to think more about how it makes you feel than how it looks to others. Do you love your breasts? Does showing them make you feel some kind of way: powerful, fun, sensual? Or do you get positive validation from the way other people (men) look at them? Do you feel restricted or uncomfortable in order to look this way?
Lastly, can we dress to celebrate the female form? Female bodies are beautiful, in all shapes and sizes. Can we see them as art?
I have certainly struggled with this. For most of my 20’s (and a bit of my teens and 30’s as well) every outfit I wore was designed to make me look as “hot” as possible. Now I wear mostly oversized “man-repelling” clothes, but I can easily do that without much side eye because of my thin privilege. Except for a date night here and there, I generally care more about whether *I* think I look cool than anyone else.
Here’s a bit from one of my past blog posts:
“For me, it’s about examining everything I buy or wear and being honest with myself about why I want to buy or wear it.
Do I want that dress because it’s going to make me look attractive to the male gaze or because it expresses some element of my aesthetic preferences? Do I blow dry my hair because in a white supremacist society straight hair has been historically valued above curly hair or do I blow dry my hair because it’s the quickest way for me to get ready in the morning? Do I wear heels because they get you closer to the tall, thin beauty ideal or do I wear heels because - well, I don’t wear heels anymore. They’re uncomfortable and I’m not going to be uncomfortable to be pleasing to someone else’s eye. Sometimes the answer’s not clear. The point is, *you* get to choose. You get to make those decisions, not the patriarchy.”
However, as Jessica DeFino from
recently said in an interview with Alexandra Pauly:“this idea that anything a woman does is inherently feminist because she’s choosing to do it is obviously very problematic. It doesn’t look at the underlying cultural and socioeconomic factors that influence our choices, or the wider impact of our choices.”
She was referring to people choosing to have cosmetic surgery procedures “for themselves”, but it applies to clothing as well. She’s absolutely right and I was clearly living in a bit of a fantasy land in that old post.
Here’s another good quote, this one from
’s Burnt Toast interview with Elise Hu, author of the new book book Flawless (which I have to get my hands on, it sounds fascinating):“You talk about understanding beauty work - whether it’s skincare, plastic surgery, weight loss, all of it - as a survival strategy, particularly in a culture with high rates of lookism and fatphobia."
I don’t think there is a good answer to this question, certainly not one that encompasses all people and all situations. We’re never going to get this 100% right. Maybe this is one of those situations where the fact that you’re thinking about your motivations means that you’re doing some of the work to break down those internalized standards. It’s hard to even conceive of what it would take to break down the external societal standards. Just keep pushing, I guess?
What do you think? Have you had this internal dialogue?
I remember being told once by a man, dripping with distain, that my favorite pair of shoes were “lesbian shoes.” I barely knew this person! I still think those are awesome shoes and have no desire to change my footwear style. But this feels easy for me compared to clothes where I would like to wear styles that I can’t find in my size, an accessible fabric etc. and that I like for a combination of my own aesthetic preferences and the social power they give me. I think it’s important to recognize that no matter how much we find our own styles those styles will always also be political statements and have relationships to power. What are we doing with our power and positionality beyond our personal style choices? I think this matters so much. How do we talk about clothes and fashion, our own and others bodies and what do we do to make the world a more equitable place in relation to these dynamics?
I’ve thought about this a lot over the years. Finding a lot of relief in my mid 40s as a fat married mother who mostly works from home in that no one really expects me to look any sort of way. No cat calls, no crop tops, no heels, just me in an endless parade of yoga pants and crocs. It’s not an answer by any means but it is a new perspective for me. I do get dressed up for dinners out or parties or whatever and I enjoy that, although it does still feel like participating in a social contract.