I remember being told once by a man, dripping with distain, that my favorite pair of shoes were “lesbian shoes.” I barely knew this person! I still think those are awesome shoes and have no desire to change my footwear style. But this feels easy for me compared to clothes where I would like to wear styles that I can’t find in my size, an accessible fabric etc. and that I like for a combination of my own aesthetic preferences and the social power they give me. I think it’s important to recognize that no matter how much we find our own styles those styles will always also be political statements and have relationships to power. What are we doing with our power and positionality beyond our personal style choices? I think this matters so much. How do we talk about clothes and fashion, our own and others bodies and what do we do to make the world a more equitable place in relation to these dynamics?
I completely agree. I usually think that those of us with more privilege/power should be pushing the boundaries of what's considered "acceptable" in hopes that that will make room for those who diverge from the standard, e.g. changing professional dress codes, etc. Do you think that helps or is it just more idealism?
Sorry for the late reply my notifications are being weird. I agree this is helpful. For example, as a white person I think it’s really important to promote an explicit dress code that encourages Black people to wear their natural hair styles. It’s not good enough to be silent on this topic. And the organization has to actually hire people with these hair styles as well as have a plan in place for dealing with people who are disrespectful or abuse power toward those wearing such hair styles. At the same time, I think it’s important to recognize that these actions have limits and there will be both other things to do and ways we are constrained in changing perceptions and systems. What I mean by this is that, for example, I can’t come up with a systemic solution to the kind of subtle anti-fat judgments that I get when I’m visible, but I can opt out of that by not being on camera (I work remotely). This is a constraint that just can’t be tackled right now but hopefully we can still find ways to manage these constraints personally until there is more space to tackle them systemically.
This thoughtful comment ❤️. So many social norms are imprinted on us from our earliest infancy. I remember telling my grandmother I only wanted to wear “girl shoes” when I must have been about 6 years old. I had already gotten the message about gendered shoes! Given the situation, I think all we can do is experiment and reflect: try apparel that appeals, but keep thinking deeply about why it appeals.
I’ve thought about this a lot over the years. Finding a lot of relief in my mid 40s as a fat married mother who mostly works from home in that no one really expects me to look any sort of way. No cat calls, no crop tops, no heels, just me in an endless parade of yoga pants and crocs. It’s not an answer by any means but it is a new perspective for me. I do get dressed up for dinners out or parties or whatever and I enjoy that, although it does still feel like participating in a social contract.
I feel that relief as well. I actually think I'm approaching my style a lot like this, day to day, I really am in lounge or athletic wear, but any time I get to leave the house and see other people, I get a lot of joy out of picking out my outfit.
I think about this frequently when I put on under-eye concealer and mascara. (And when my kids ask me if they can wear it, and if they can't why do I? Sheesh.) That's basically all I wear, but I only put it on when I'm leaving the house or seeing other people. So is that for me? Or for them? I think I have convinced myself that it is for me: makes me feel more "put together" and awake. But is that honest? Or is that some internalized misogyny or "lookism," as Elise Hu talked about. It's so hard to disentangle!
I feel this mascara issue. I am working in a coffee shop, post-workout in sweaty clothes and put on mascara before I came in. I have this conversation with myself often. Why am I needing to show darker lashes to ppl I don’t know and don’t talk to???
I feel you on this. I wore a maxi Madewell dress for casual date night on Saturday when what I really wanted to wear was a relaxed chambray shirt, baggy short shorts and Birkenstocks. Why did I do this? Who was the dress for -- not my husband, he couldn’t care less what I wear. So, the people sitting at the bar? Who never once looked my way? And more to the point, *because I was hoping they would?* And why, when I had a vision in my head of what my ideal outfit for the evening would be, why did I ignore it?!
I feel like “looking comfortable” has been a slight but I think we need to claim it as the ultimate compliment. If I saw you at a bar in that outfit, I’d love to say “damn, you look so comfortable. Birks for the win!” 😂
This is a constant battle I have with myself and my closet. Most of my life my closet consisted of comfortable clothing (read not feminine) But here I find myself 40+, divorced, and single with 2 teenagers. I have fun trying new styles, but when it comes to dating I feel tremendous pressure to dress "sexy" or "cute" but end up feeling self conscious because I'm not representing who I really am which feels like manipulation and not a good way to start a relationship.
Oh wow. That is such a tough place to be in. I want to say "just dress like you normally would!" but I don't know what i would do in that situation either.
I mostly dress for how I feel in my mood and in my body. If I’m feeling any discomfort, then I want my clothes to be extra comfortable, and maybe loose. Some days I feel really good in my body, and want to wear stretchy form-fitting clothes that are easy to move in. I’ve noticed my menstrual cycle affects some of this. In my final years of cycling, I wonder if menopause will change how I want to dress. And to the reader’s question, I’d say this: if wearing something feels right for you, go for it!
I struggle with this often, it manifests in different ways but lately it's my hair. It's naturally dark brown but I've always thought I look better with blonde highlights- makes my hazel eyes look green, perks up my skin- but it also becomes a question of, why do I do this? Do I feel like I need to look "bright" and refreshed when I'm definitely not at this point in life? Is it ok to feel prettier by altering my hair color when I also grew up in southern culture where being tan and blonde is celebrated? It's complicated. For now, I get highlights because it feels better than not getting them, but I do wonder about my motivations.
I am a straight-sized, white, cis, straight woman- very privileged, and recognize that. A few years ago, I started dressing in baggy, oversized clothing to avoid unwanted attention and regain feelings of ownership over my body. I've started to wear more form-fitting options in the last year or so. In this season, they speak to me and make me feel good. I've been focusing more on the individual and community levels with these ideas but haven't explored the larger societal constructs beneath them. Honestly, it sometimes feels like biting off more than I can chew.
I remember being told once by a man, dripping with distain, that my favorite pair of shoes were “lesbian shoes.” I barely knew this person! I still think those are awesome shoes and have no desire to change my footwear style. But this feels easy for me compared to clothes where I would like to wear styles that I can’t find in my size, an accessible fabric etc. and that I like for a combination of my own aesthetic preferences and the social power they give me. I think it’s important to recognize that no matter how much we find our own styles those styles will always also be political statements and have relationships to power. What are we doing with our power and positionality beyond our personal style choices? I think this matters so much. How do we talk about clothes and fashion, our own and others bodies and what do we do to make the world a more equitable place in relation to these dynamics?
I completely agree. I usually think that those of us with more privilege/power should be pushing the boundaries of what's considered "acceptable" in hopes that that will make room for those who diverge from the standard, e.g. changing professional dress codes, etc. Do you think that helps or is it just more idealism?
Sorry for the late reply my notifications are being weird. I agree this is helpful. For example, as a white person I think it’s really important to promote an explicit dress code that encourages Black people to wear their natural hair styles. It’s not good enough to be silent on this topic. And the organization has to actually hire people with these hair styles as well as have a plan in place for dealing with people who are disrespectful or abuse power toward those wearing such hair styles. At the same time, I think it’s important to recognize that these actions have limits and there will be both other things to do and ways we are constrained in changing perceptions and systems. What I mean by this is that, for example, I can’t come up with a systemic solution to the kind of subtle anti-fat judgments that I get when I’m visible, but I can opt out of that by not being on camera (I work remotely). This is a constraint that just can’t be tackled right now but hopefully we can still find ways to manage these constraints personally until there is more space to tackle them systemically.
This thoughtful comment ❤️. So many social norms are imprinted on us from our earliest infancy. I remember telling my grandmother I only wanted to wear “girl shoes” when I must have been about 6 years old. I had already gotten the message about gendered shoes! Given the situation, I think all we can do is experiment and reflect: try apparel that appeals, but keep thinking deeply about why it appeals.
I’ve thought about this a lot over the years. Finding a lot of relief in my mid 40s as a fat married mother who mostly works from home in that no one really expects me to look any sort of way. No cat calls, no crop tops, no heels, just me in an endless parade of yoga pants and crocs. It’s not an answer by any means but it is a new perspective for me. I do get dressed up for dinners out or parties or whatever and I enjoy that, although it does still feel like participating in a social contract.
I feel that relief as well. I actually think I'm approaching my style a lot like this, day to day, I really am in lounge or athletic wear, but any time I get to leave the house and see other people, I get a lot of joy out of picking out my outfit.
I think about this frequently when I put on under-eye concealer and mascara. (And when my kids ask me if they can wear it, and if they can't why do I? Sheesh.) That's basically all I wear, but I only put it on when I'm leaving the house or seeing other people. So is that for me? Or for them? I think I have convinced myself that it is for me: makes me feel more "put together" and awake. But is that honest? Or is that some internalized misogyny or "lookism," as Elise Hu talked about. It's so hard to disentangle!
Oh my goodness I’ve been thinking about the same thing w concealer! Like what is so bad about dark circles???!
I feel this mascara issue. I am working in a coffee shop, post-workout in sweaty clothes and put on mascara before I came in. I have this conversation with myself often. Why am I needing to show darker lashes to ppl I don’t know and don’t talk to???
I feel you on this. I wore a maxi Madewell dress for casual date night on Saturday when what I really wanted to wear was a relaxed chambray shirt, baggy short shorts and Birkenstocks. Why did I do this? Who was the dress for -- not my husband, he couldn’t care less what I wear. So, the people sitting at the bar? Who never once looked my way? And more to the point, *because I was hoping they would?* And why, when I had a vision in my head of what my ideal outfit for the evening would be, why did I ignore it?!
I feel like “looking comfortable” has been a slight but I think we need to claim it as the ultimate compliment. If I saw you at a bar in that outfit, I’d love to say “damn, you look so comfortable. Birks for the win!” 😂
Yes! I love that!!
So interesting. Humans are odd ;)
This is a constant battle I have with myself and my closet. Most of my life my closet consisted of comfortable clothing (read not feminine) But here I find myself 40+, divorced, and single with 2 teenagers. I have fun trying new styles, but when it comes to dating I feel tremendous pressure to dress "sexy" or "cute" but end up feeling self conscious because I'm not representing who I really am which feels like manipulation and not a good way to start a relationship.
Oh wow. That is such a tough place to be in. I want to say "just dress like you normally would!" but I don't know what i would do in that situation either.
I mostly dress for how I feel in my mood and in my body. If I’m feeling any discomfort, then I want my clothes to be extra comfortable, and maybe loose. Some days I feel really good in my body, and want to wear stretchy form-fitting clothes that are easy to move in. I’ve noticed my menstrual cycle affects some of this. In my final years of cycling, I wonder if menopause will change how I want to dress. And to the reader’s question, I’d say this: if wearing something feels right for you, go for it!
I struggle with this often, it manifests in different ways but lately it's my hair. It's naturally dark brown but I've always thought I look better with blonde highlights- makes my hazel eyes look green, perks up my skin- but it also becomes a question of, why do I do this? Do I feel like I need to look "bright" and refreshed when I'm definitely not at this point in life? Is it ok to feel prettier by altering my hair color when I also grew up in southern culture where being tan and blonde is celebrated? It's complicated. For now, I get highlights because it feels better than not getting them, but I do wonder about my motivations.
Oh it's such a southern thing! (I grew up in Mobile, AL)
I am a straight-sized, white, cis, straight woman- very privileged, and recognize that. A few years ago, I started dressing in baggy, oversized clothing to avoid unwanted attention and regain feelings of ownership over my body. I've started to wear more form-fitting options in the last year or so. In this season, they speak to me and make me feel good. I've been focusing more on the individual and community levels with these ideas but haven't explored the larger societal constructs beneath them. Honestly, it sometimes feels like biting off more than I can chew.
Same here :(